Strangely Specific Signs of Social Anxiety

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they must confront the thing that makes them most anxious. This might be traveling by airplane, having to address a room of hundreds of people, or, for those with social anxiety, it might be something as simple as answering the phone. The signs of social anxiety can be so unexpected that it’s easy to be dismissive of someone’s struggle.

People with social anxiety frequently think of themselves as introverted or even quirky because they haven’t found a sufficient explanation for their anxieties. Whatever is happening beneath the surface, it is something that can be resolved. It may feel debilitating now, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Imperfect Comparisons

How often do we look at our peers and marvel at their confidence, tenacity, or success? We might envy their communication skills or their ability to hold the attention of the entire room when they speak. We can’t see their anxiety each time they speak, or the long road they have taken to find success.

It’s fine to compare ourselves to others if it inspires us to improve certain things. However, comparison so often makes us feel worse about ourselves, even when we can’t see things like hidden social anxiety.

Outwardly, a person might not display any signs of social anxiety, but just because we cannot see it does not mean it isn’t there. Perhaps they spent decades confronting their fears before they reached the point where they could confidently communicate with crowds. It’s not a bad idea to aspire to have someone else’s levels of confidence or communication skills. Keep in mind, though, that people are like icebergs; only a small part of them is visible.

Filling in the Gaps

Our brains have a wonderful ability to fill in the gaps when it comes to things we don’t understand or can’t fully see. This is how we make assumptions about others: our brain takes the information presented to it and guesses the rest.

Sometimes we are correct in our assumptions. It’s safe to assume that the person who is the life and soul of a party simply loves the limelight. However, what if that person is deeply depressed and doing an excellent job of covering up? Sometimes the root of our social anxiety lies in the mistaken assumptions our brains have made about ourselves and others.

For example, on a date, there are awkward moments of silence. This is normal and doesn’t necessarily mean anything bad. However, your brain might convince you that your date is quiet because he finds you boring. The truth is likely that they are quiet because they are also making assumptions about you.

In psychology, this is called a cognitive distortion. It is when a person’s brain habitually fills in the gaps in faulty ways. There are different kinds of cognitive distortions, but almost all of them are related to social anxiety.

When we assume that we know what others think about us, that is a cognitive distortion known as mind-reading. Expecting the worst possible outcome to every situation is a cognitive distortion known as catastrophizing, and taking the blame for things that couldn’t possibly be our fault is personalization.

Treating Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is more complicated than other forms of anxiety because of the cognitive distortions that are layered into it. We experience the physical effects of general anxiety, like the elevated heartbeat, sweaty hands and back, and shallow breathing.

We also experience emotional turmoil related to cognitive distortions, like having low self-worth, being easily embarrassed, and feeling exposed and insecure. This means that each person with social anxiety has any number of cognitive distortions fueling their fears. To treat the anxiety, you must get to the root of each distortion and challenge it.

Unfortunately, many people instinctively treat their social anxiety through avoidance, by rehearsing conversations before having them, or by ruminating on events once they are passed. Avoiding a party, for example, is another way of saying, “I’m not going because I know I would be judged by everyone there.”

Cognitive distortions sound so confident and assured, and avoidance behaviors, or ruminating and rehearsing behaviors, give the distortions too much weight. If you had confronted your thinking and attended the party, you would have given your brain the chance to calm down and prove to it that there was no real threat. It’s a complicated process to treat social anxiety, but perhaps the place to start is learning to recognize it.

Noticing the Signs of Social Anxiety

The majority of people who classify themselves as shy or introverted actually have untreated social anxiety. When we begin to see the signs of social anxiety in ourselves, we can begin to challenge the cognitive distortions behind them. The signs of social anxiety are often a combination of a cognitive distortion and an anxious action.

For example, people with social anxiety frequently cancel their plans at the last moment. This is avoidance behavior that usually stems from overthinking. The person wants to make their friends happy, so they initially agree to any and every suggestion. Meanwhile, they start catastrophizing or feeling the pressure to be perfect in a social situation, and they can’t face the pressure.

Just like with general anxiety, one of the clear signs of social anxiety is nervous fidgeting. The person gets a build-up of nervous energy and needs to discharge it with physical activity. There is no cognitive distortion attached to this behavior; it is simply a form of self-soothing.

Social anxiety is almost always visible in a person’s body language or speech, but most frequently it shows up as uncontrollable blushing. Whenever the person feels the spotlight on them, even by way of ordinary eye contact or polite interest, blood rushes to their face, and they can’t help but blush. Others might find it endearing, but for the person who can’t control their blushing, it is a physical nightmare.

One of the most common cognitive distortions related to social anxiety is the unshakable belief that others find you awkward or dull. Once again, this is mind-reading: you believe you know exactly what others think of you. Unfortunately, when you believe others find you awkward or uninteresting, your body language begins to stiffen, you avoid eye contact, and you forget how to interact naturally, making you come across as strange or cold.

On the topic of body language, people with social anxiety are usually found huddling on the outskirts of the group, with their shoulders hunched and jaws clenched. They are literally trying to shrink down their presence to avoid being noticed. There could be any number of cognitive distortions behind thinking like this, but it is almost certain that some kind of wrong thinking is inflating their social anxiety.

Lastly, one of the most common signs of social anxiety is that people stay on the move. They go from one group to the next, never staying long enough to be drawn into a conversation, and always hanging on the outskirts. They make sure that they never settle because their instinct is to escape the situation. Much like fidgeting, they are turning their nervous energy into motion and movement.

Truth and Freedom

Social anxiety is complex, but it is treatable. Our cognitive distortions might inflate the perceived threats in our heads, but it is possible to confront these thoughts and challenge them. When we do that, we begin to see and understand things as they truly are, not as we believed them to be. As the Scripture confirms, when we know the truth, it will set us free. (John 8:32) You are only as restricted by social anxiety as you allow yourself to be; freedom is waiting for you.

It’s not always easy to recognize the signs of social anxiety, much less confront the beliefs behind it. If you would like support navigating these challenges, I invite you to contact my office to schedule a session with me, Joseph Bennett, MAMFC, MARE, LPC. My team is warm, welcoming, and happy to make the process feel easy and comfortable from the first conversation.