Social Anxiety: One of the Primary Causes That People Overlook

If you dislike crowds, avoid small gatherings in general, or if the mere idea of being perceived by others makes you nervous, there’s a good chance that you have social anxiety. Social anxiety causes you to feel vulnerable when you are around others because you feel open to being evaluated, criticized, or judged by them.

You don’t have to be performing in public on stage; almost every interaction or conversation makes you feel unsafe, as if all of your words and actions are being scrutinized or judged.

Social anxiety causes you to miss out on much of life. Until you begin to understand why you feel anxious around others, and that you can deal with that anxiety once and for all, you might spend the rest of your life avoiding social situations and withdrawing from people.

Your need for space and time alone to recharge is valid and helpful, but your fear of other people’s judgment is unhelpful and will hold you back in life. You have got what it takes to uncover the truth behind social anxiety, face it, and deal with it once and for all.

Social Anxiety Causes You May Have Overlooked

Some people grow up being constantly criticized by a parent. It takes decades to realize that the comments they make, which are offered in the form of advice or concern, are little more than thinly veiled insults or statements that only cause you to feel ashamed of yourself.

“You don’t look good in that color,” or “It’s time you went on a diet,” might sound bluntly honest, but over time, statements like these simply make you self-conscious. Even when these statements are sandwiched between compliments, they don’t boost your self-esteem; quite the opposite.

Sometimes it is your oldest friends who hurt you the most, even without meaning to. Some old jokes go on too long, especially when you or your mistakes are the punchline. It is hard to stand up for yourself to family or friends, because you always run the risk of looking as if you can’t take a joke or that you’re overly sensitive.

The same goes for teachers, employers, romantic partners, or colleagues who belittle you or criticize your efforts. While some criticism is valid and helpful, constant microaggressions or subtly antagonistic statements erode your self-worth over time and cause you to have serious self-doubts.

When you peel back the layers of social anxiety, you will find shame, guilt, and fear. You will also find an inner critic, a voice that agrees with other people’s negative statements and echoes them. “You’re inadequate, no one likes you, you failed, just as expected.” You have likely been repeating these kinds of statements to yourself about yourself, reinforcing a toxic narrative that destroys your confidence and leads to more shame and embarrassment.

Social anxiety, at its most basic, is your nervous system stuck in a self-protective freeze mode. A gathering of people might look like a threat because there is a risk that you will look foolish in some way.

You might be a parent in your mid-30s participating in a school event, all the while feeling like a child facing down school bullies in the form of other parents. Even if nothing negative happens, you might still end up replaying events in your mind, finding the moments when you said or did something you regretted, or berating yourself for not doing or saying certain things. Even when people don’t hurt you, you find a way to hurt yourself because you feel as if that’s what you deserve.

Facing Your Opponents

Beneath social anxiety, there is often a cocktail of low self-esteem, shame, guilt, and fear. To avoid feeling these things, you have learned to avoid people, probably because of some past experiences that led to you feeling inferior or insecure.

You will never properly overcome social anxiety by avoiding people. Instead, you must confront your two biggest opponents and correct the narrative about you. The first opponent you must face is your own inner critic; the second is your outer critic or bully.

You begin to break the shame cycle by being self-reflective. Begin taking note of the way you speak to yourself, particularly when you feel as if you have failed or when you regret something. What do you tell yourself? Are there any names you call yourself, and if so, where do they come from? Social anxiety causes people to be withdrawn but not necessarily self-reflective; it takes effort to refrain from bullying yourself.

As you begin to practice self-compassion, you will find the strength to confront your outer critics. This can be hard, especially if they are family members, friends, or loved ones. Some of the people who have bullied you the longest are also the ones who know you the best, which makes their words cut deeper.

It’s not easy to tell a parent or sibling that you’re sick of the way they pick on you, or to tell a close friend that you feel as if they always disrespect you and don’t give you enough credit. When you can confront these people, though, you will have conquered a large chunk of shame that has been holding you back.

If you can’t find the words to confront your bullies, start by writing them down in a journal. Write down the specific things they have said to you so that you can quote them back accurately. Also, write down any emotion you can name that their words have made you feel.

People may have hidden their insults within compliments, or framed harsh criticism as humor, but your emotions can’t be gaslit. You know where it hurts. You can’t heal these wounds by avoiding situations. You must turn and face the things you have been running from.

Feeling Seen, Feeling Safe

Perhaps you have experienced the intimacy of having someone truly see you, understand you, and affirm you before. It can be a deeply uncomfortable and even triggering experience. Not everyone is out to get you, though. There are kind souls in the world, people who have also been hurt and have learned to be gentle with their words. You miss out on meeting them when you allow social anxiety to steer you away from others.

There is a story in the Bible of a blind man who sat huddled up in his cloak in the city square, waiting every day for people to help him with food or money. When Jesus passed by one day, the blind man yelled out desperately for Jesus to heal him of his blindness. Of course, Jesus had compassion on him and healed him, despite his followers trying to silence the man and keep him from Jesus.

It seemed like this man had accepted his lot in life, that he was content to remain what everyone else saw him as: a blind beggar, unworthy of help. When chance came, he flung off his old identity, begged for a new one, and got what he asked for.

Don’t let life and new opportunities pass you by. You are not stuck with your identity, and you don’t have to live up to others’ low expectations of you. You can see yourself in a new light and be seen and accepted by others who will love and value you. All you have to do is stand and be prepared to move from the familiar and comfortable situation you’ve been in.

If you have begun the work of healing social anxiety and shame, you likely need encouragement and support. We can connect you with a counselor who will walk alongside you as you continue to heal and break the shame cycle. Please contact our reception team for more information, or consult our online catalog to find a counselor today.