Faith Born in Abandonment: Finding Support from Christian Counseling

The old statement, “Necessity is the mother of invention” (Plato), celebrates the beauty that comes from need. There are no catchy phrases to describe every happy little consequence that stems from adversity or need. There aren’t t-shirts that read “Anxiety Begets Boundaries” or “Rejections Gave Me Clarity.”

Phrases like this on merch could help us remember these ideas that are so hard to grasp. Sometimes, the pain that we try so desperately to avoid actually ends up leading us directly to the most profound growth and the loving arms of our Father.

Abandonment

Abandonment is a good example. Abandonment can crush you, leaving you questioning your worth, your relationships, and even your faith. But buried under the rubble of heartache and the salty tears, something surprisingly amazing can emerge: faith.

When you’re surrounded by comfort, plenty, and love, your needs diminish. Your belly is full, your heart connected, and your needs met. But when you are left alone, abandoned, and left to fend for yourself, those comforts, connections, and needs may not be as easy to meet.

A divorced dad who is used to having a wife next to him in bed at night might feel loneliness when he pats the empty sheets. A widow may notice the absence of her husband most when she walks into family gatherings alone. A child whose parents died when they were young can feel the awkwardness of aloneness when their peers complain about their own parents and their restrictive rules.

These are just a few of the scenarios that play out in the lives of people every day. Whether it’s labeled as loneliness, empty nest, grief, or sadness, it can also be called abandonment.

Not all abandonment is physical. Sometimes abandonment can happen even when someone is physically present.

• A husband can lose sexual interest in his wife, leaving her void of intimacy and emotionally abandoned.
• A wife may become emotionally involved with a co-worker, giving her attention and focus on someone other than her husband, leaving him feeling left behind and no longer important.
• A teenager might sit at the dinner table with parents who are too consumed with their phones or stress to really see or hear them, creating a void that might feel like abandonment.

Abandonment might also happen on a spiritual level. Maybe you have spent your whole life pursuing God and feeling His presence. But then trauma hits, and God seems distant and aloof, leaving you feeling alone.

While abandonment can happen in the stillness of an empty house or bed, it can also exist in crowded rooms. It can wiggle its way into the center of marriages, in the trusted loyalty of friendships, and in the sacred walls of the local church. It can happen to families, as they fracture over disagreements, or to public figures who suddenly get canceled and see their faithful fans and followers dwindle.

All the Feelings

If you’ve experienced any abandonment through divorce, arguments, death, or another form, you know that it goes beyond mere loneliness. Abandonment can look different, even manifesting itself in different ways under different circumstances and in different people. The common thread tying all types of abandonment together is intense feelings.

These feelings may come all at once or in waves that disrupt your life. Rejection, worthlessness, the fear of being alone, and the loss of identity or safety are all byproducts of abandonment. Those feelings can sneak in and wreak havoc on anyone who has experienced a loss.

Sadly, no one is immune to abandonment. Even those who have faithful partners may lose them to death. Even innocent babies who have never even uttered a word can be abandoned by parents. Abandonment is not a reflection of what you’ve done or who you are, but of circumstance, many times beyond your control. And when it happens, the person who leaves is often the one you desire to go to for comfort.

The Lies of Abandonment

One of the cruelest side effects of abandonment is the set of lies it tries to convince you is true. Phrases like “If I had been better, thinner, richer, or smarter, they would have stayed” and “No one will ever love me again” may sound like they’re true. The truth, however, is that these thoughts are just lies, and if they take root in your mind, they can shape how you see yourself.

Contrary to the persistent lies in your head, abandonment is in no way a reflection of your value. It’s not always a result of something that you did wrong; people leave for all kinds of different reasons. Some leave because they are selfish, some because they have no other choice, and it’s totally out of anyone’s control. But when that special person leaves, even if it’s involuntary, your inner voice may tell you it’s your fault.

Behold, Faith is Born

When you’re left to the quietness of abandonment, you might start to miss even the harshest of memories. You may long for the chaos of your extended family. You might miss the security of knowing that your spouse would take care of the bills, even though they complained about the empty bank accounts.

You might miss the companionship of a partner, even if they were sometimes ornery. You might be left wondering what you did to drive them away or what you are going to do now that they’re gone. Suddenly, you’re in charge of everything, and you need to sort the practical needs as well as the emotional burdens.

In that lonely, uncertain, overwhelming place, something inside of you starts to grow. You will start to realize that people may walk away, phones may grow silent, and even those with the best intentions may be ripped from you against their own choice. But God doesn’t waiver, nor does He walk away.

God stays with you and holds your hand, no matter what type of toxic trait you may have or how many mistakes you have made. He is there with you, not because you were able to hold it all together, but for precisely the opposite reason.

While abandonment might be a label for negative things in your life, faith born in abandonment represents victory, surrender, and hope. What was once a place of lonely reflection, hopeless outlooks, and overwhelming solo tasks can be transformed. Instead, you can live out a beautiful testimony to God’s steadfast love, generous provision, and unfaltering faithfulness.

Therapy May Help

Faith grown from the rocky ground of abandonment is powerful, but you might still benefit from Christian therapy. Sometimes the valleys are so deep and the burdens so heavy that even the strongest faith might feel fragile. Therapy provides a safe place where you can learn about your abandonment issues and, more importantly, work toward healing.

A good therapist can help you identify the patterns in your life that might be contributing to loneliness. They can offer you guidance in rebuilding your sense of worth and guide you toward a more fulfilling life with or without a partner or village.

Moving On

Maybe we do need more sayings on t-shirts and clever quotes for mugs that honor what really happens in our darkest places. When you start to celebrate the growth and unexpected gifts that your Heavenly Father bestows upon you in your darkest hours, you start to reframe your thinking about all those nasty valleys and heavy, lonely burdens.

You can start seeing your feelings of abandonment differently. They are not a reflection of your worth or even an indication of your future. They can be a conduit through which to reach the Father who will never leave you, nor forsake you.

To learn more about counseling, contact a Christian therapist near you or connect with someone on this website. You can find faith that sustains you after abandonment.