Bible Verses About Marriage: Being a Submissive Wife

If you ever want to stir things up at your next Bible study, bring up the subject of how a wife should submit to her husband. One side of the discussion swears that the literal interpretation of the Scripture is the only true guideline.

They passionately argue that to be a Christian wife, you must obey your husband in blind faith as you would Christ. They quote Scripture and detail how they believe it’s God’s will that they acknowledge their husband as the God-appointed head of the household.

On the other side of the argument, the air thickens with skepticism and the fear of threat. They roll their eyes at the “old-fashioned” interpretation of the Scripture, like it’s a relic dug up from some ancient, dusty tomb. They argue that submission is erasure, a slow siphoning of their selfhood under the thin veil of piety.

They discuss it, swirl the words carefully in their minds, and note the contradictions between lived reality and their understanding of the printed page. They feel tension between honoring their faith and honoring their own voice.

And in the homes of both extreme proponents of the argument are likely marriages that are strained and unfulfilling. A traditionally submissive wife might feel unheard and not cherished. She might feel like her rights are violated or that she isn’t worthy of rights at all. She might feel that her opinion doesn’t matter because she couldn’t possibly measure up to her husband’s connection with God or knowledge of how the world works.

The modern wife with an extreme feminist viewpoint might also struggle in her marriage, but for different reasons. She might take advantage of her husband’s weaknesses, making decisions that are self-serving or ignoring his needs entirely, leaving him feeling unseen and unappreciated. Both extremes miss the point that submission and leadership in marriage are neither meant to be domination nor martyrdom.

How did this all get started?

At the heart of this controversy is this:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. – Ephesians 5:22, ESV

It’s a hot-button topic for good reason! The idea that a woman should submit to a man is quite countercultural these days. For generations, women have been fighting for their rights to vote and to receive equal wages for equal work, and so much of that effort seems to be wiped away with a simple Bible quote.

But is that really what the Bible says?

Context matters. When you view this verse in its original historical context, you will see that it wasn’t meant to silence women at all, nor was it meant to elevate men. In the first-century Greco-Roman world, society was heavily patriarchal. Women had few legal rights, and marriage was more of a social alliance than it was a loving partnership.

The message of Ephesians was actually quite revolutionary at the time. It didn’t tell wives to submit blindly, as was the culture, but it called husbands to love sacrificially, putting their wives’ needs on par with (or even above) their own.

That radical instruction to lead with love was meant to counter the cultural norms of domination of the day. This cultural norm also helps explain why Jews rejected Jesus as their Messiah, since His humility and self-sacrifice went against the “conqueror” type figure they expected their Messiah to be.

This verse, even the whole book of Ephesians, isn’t some isolated command. It’s part of a sweeping argument about mutual responsibility, love, and respect. In fact, just a few verses later, husbands are told to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, to lay down their lives for them.

Read that again. Christ laid down His life for the church. Do you think that it was easy for Christ to die on the cross? Of course, Jesus was God and knew that this was the plan of salvation. But Jesus was also wholly man, and that means that His humanity felt the pain and punishment of the cross.

Jesus knew what humankind needed: atonement to God, and though it was painful, humiliating, and ultimately fatal, He sacrificed Himself for us. When facing the cross, He didn’t try to get out of it or choose what was best for Himself. He was God, so had He wanted to change the course of history by influencing the minds of His oppressors, He could have. He could have taken Himself off the cross or prevented Himself from going up in the first place.

But He didn’t. He took the pain and the humiliation and the punishment for us because He loved us. He put our needs before His. He considered our well-being above His own. He took the pain upon His body, so we didn’t have to.

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.” – John 10:11, NIV

He protected us.

Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. – Isaiah 53:4-5, NIV

He provided for us and elevated us above His own needs.

My God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. – Phillipians 4:19, NIV

He empathizes with us, feeling our pain and struggles.

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. – Matthew 9:26, NIV

Jesus was the ultimate example of a type of leader that isn’t self-serving but rather self-giving.

Jesus called them together and said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. – Mark 10:42-45, NIV

That’s the blueprint that He left for us.

How does that apply in the real world?

So, if husbands are supposed to love their wives as Christ loved the church, it means that they are instructed to sacrifice for them. Using this lens, submission takes on a whole different connotation.

A wife’s submission is not meant to be blind obedience or a muzzle to quiet her voice. Submission is a response to a husband who actively, intentionally, and lovingly serves by putting his wife’s needs above his own.

The responsibility rests on him first to protect, provide, and sacrifice with a heart of devotion, not obligation. A wife’s submission is meaningful only in the context of a husband who mirrors Christ in his care, who labors for the well-being of his household.

For submission in marriage to work, both parties must do what God has instructed. In the real world, this might look like a man coming home exhausted but still asking how he can help his wife and family, sitting quietly while she vents, or rearranging his plans to spend time with her.

Maybe he takes on chores he knows she hates or makes tough choices to prioritize her safety or happiness. These things often go unnoticed by the world, but they are the tools that shape the foundation of marriage. They are the foundation on which submission actually makes sense.

With this foundation, submission becomes a response, not a command. A wife who is well taken care of will recognize her husband’s efforts and offer love, respect, and transparency in return. She will respond in ways like trusting that her husband will make sound decisions, consider her opinion, and protect what’s important to their family.

She gives respect and sees the efforts and sacrifices that he puts into their marriage and family. She communicates openly and shares her honest opinions and supports him in his struggles. She steps alongside him, not beneath him. And this humble submission also reflects the Christ-like self-giving love all Christians are called to.

Through this self-pouring into each other by husband and wife, sanctification is further fueled as it leads to increased fruits of the Spirit, such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

When he leads with love, and she responds with respect, the marriage becomes a living example of a covenant or a promise that both parties are striving toward something greater than themselves. Some people think that a covenant is a word that you say once at an altar, but it’s much more than that. It’s a daily decision, a commitment that plays out in small ways by choosing each other, even when it’s inconvenient to do so.

In Christian marriage, it happens organically when the man puts his wife first in thought and action, and his wife responds with trust, respect, and yes, submission. Submission happens when a wife trusts, respects, and supports her husband, who actively sacrifices, cares, and prioritizes her and the family. It’s a response to his love rather than an obedience out of obligation.

Therapy and Marriage

The topic of submission is often at the heart of friction in Christian marriages. Just because a couple has grown up in the Christian church doesn’t mean that they share the same views on submission in marriage. Therapy provides couples with a neutral arena to untangle their expectations and preconceived notions. It can help couples find common ground and, more importantly, understanding, when it comes to the dynamics of their marriage.

Therapy can help a wife who is trying to learn to submit to her husband in a way that doesn’t quiet her own voice or compromise her own needs. It can help a husband who may weaponize the Bible to elevate himself above his wife and her needs. It’s also a place where husbands can discuss their own needs, such as physical intimacy, recognition, and respect.

Ultimately, a God-centered marriage includes mutual care, respect, and sacrifice. When both parties submit to the same God, they work in tandem instead of opposition. To learn more or to schedule an appointment with a Christian therapist, contact our office today.