Overcoming Anger and Resentment in Marriage

Resentment is a slow fade. It has the potential to creep into your marriage, drain out the love and leave you feeling bitter and angry toward your spouse. But, did you know that when you approach resentment correctly it can be a catalyst to address key relationship issues and solidify an even stronger marriage?

Getting a Clear Understanding of Resentment in Marriage

Defined by some dictionaries as a feeling of anger because you have been forced to accept something that you do not like, resentment in marriage happens when there is a buildup of negative feelings between your spouse and yourself.

You may feel harmed, ignored, disappointed, deceived, or poorly treated. This feeling is toxic to any relationship, especially as one precious as a marriage, and will, over time, poison the mutual love, trust, and respect necessary for it to be successful.

The hurt that you experience because your partner has purposefully or accidentally broken the agreements of your relationship is a broad but effective way to understand why resentment starts to form. Unmet expectations at various levels have an equally corrosive effect.

Perhaps it is the manner you are treated, how you thought your marriage would mature, or the characteristics of the life you are building together. The hurt solidifies into disappointment, frustration, and anger toward your spouse.

How Resentment in Marriage Starts Off

Imagine your marriage relationship as a beautiful, exotic motorcar. Resplendent in design and function. You and your spouse love it and treasure it. While you are both out driving, a loose piece of gravel flicks up and nicks the glass on the windshield.

That evening you look at it and see that it has left a chip but not much more. You decide that because he was behind the wheel when it happened, he should be the first to broach the sensitive subject of a small hurt being caused to your shared prize possession.

This chip is like a flippant remark, when they break their word about a commitment or a lack of appreciation. As it is unresolved it starts to worsen and the beginnings of a windshield crack in your relationship begins such as:

• A feeling that you do more than your fair share to maintain the relationship.
• The impression that your partner is slowly disengaging, and not giving the marriage the emotional intimacy and connection you both need to have.
• Being made to feel that you are unimportant and no longer a priority to your spouse.
• An unfulfilling sex life.
• Arguments that are unresolved and resurface with different triggers.
• Bad communication habits and neglecting to spend time one-on-one with your spouse.
• Feeling that your partner prefers being selfish over being kind to you.
• When they exhibit controlling behavior.
• Verbal criticism and discouraging comments.

Ephesians reminds us, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV) The wisdom of that is apparent as experts agree that if these small hurts are left alone, they do not diminish but rather intensify.

Small hurts accumulate like drops in a bucket and sooner than you think you or your spouse is carrying a heavy heart. And, like bumping someone carrying a mug of hot coffee, if you emotionally bump your spouse, what spills out from their burdened heart is not peace and love but hurt and anger.

How do you know your marriage harbors resentment?

Consider your thoughts and recent past conversations with your spouse. Have you noticed any of the following patterns?

• Feeling unsafe and finding it difficult to trust them.
• Thinking of scenarios of leaving the relationship.
• Actively looking to inflict emotional hurt on your spouse.
• Dwelling on past hurts.
• A change from assuming the best of your partner to thinking the worst.
• Walking on eggshells around them.
• Holding yourself back emotionally, stonewalling their comments, and being defensive.
• A sense of betrayal and disappointment.
• Not being able to collaborate on things, arguing about anything and everything.
• Unwillingness to be vulnerable toward them.
• Not being affectionate with one another.
• Feeling rejected sexually and feeling like your spouse does not want you.

Is divorce an automatic outcome of resentment?

Anything that corrodes your marriage relationship unchecked can lead to its end. Resentment eats away at the foundations of your marriage and undermines any joy you or your spouse may experience in it to the point where it feels hopeless and may push one, or both, of you apart.

Resentment becomes more powerful and destructive the longer it is ignored and left to fester. A shared responsibility, a willingness to say what is on your heart and a mutual commitment to healing the relationship can make any marriage flourish – even those on the brink of divorce.

This mutual commitment must be informed by an understanding of the wounds in the relationship through frank communication and a commitment to meeting each other’s needs.

Think of the beautiful car again, initially driving was a pleasure not in the least because you could see clearly where you were going, what the road was like, and how to adjust your driving style to suit the environment. But by not dealing with the chips and hairline cracks on the windshield, it quickly spreads and becomes impossible to see clearly through it.

It is far more difficult to drive in a way that your partner in the car feels like you have their best interest at heart when you are peering through a heavily chipped and cracked windshield. For every hurt, the windshield becomes increasingly opaque. With one or two chips, sure you may still trust the other person behind the wheel but when they build up and cracks remind you of the fault lines in your relationship, trust becomes impossible.

Overcoming Anger and Resentment in Your Marriage Relationship

This is the start of a difficult process, but it is worth it. It will start with looking to come to grips with the hurts you are feeling, move to show the reasonable needs beneath them, and then communicate this in a way that they will be met.

As a slow poison, resentment taints your perception of your spouse and creates a timeline of toxic events between the two of you that is not always accurate. Both you and your spouse will need to question the assumptions present in this timeline of events and be willing to take on a different perspective. The key part is to maintain an open mind and to trust that this process has the potential to remove resentment from the relationship.

Your Spouse Blames You for the Resentment in Your Marriage

Should your spouse hold you responsible for the decline in your marriage relationship and are committed to saving it, then initiate a conversation between the two of you where you can take these steps together. If you have to, send them the link to the article or print it out and take them through the steps. It may take an appointment with a marriage counselor to get them to believe you are serious and willing to work toward a solution. Do what it takes.

Step One: Notice positives

List every single thing that excites you about your partner and your marriage. Remember what you used to enjoy about them. Focus on why you chose to be in a relationship with them. Be careful though, your partner will see through any attempts to gaslight or offer false optimism. While the list of appreciations will not fix resentment, it will move you in the right direction.

Write down at least twenty well-considered items and these will become your purpose for getting over the resentment in your marriage. This process will be hard and you will need this list to get you back on course.

Step Two: List hurts and complaints

Now you and your partner write down each and everything that makes you feel resentful. Think about the complaints you have about them, what they have done that you keep remembering despite your efforts at forgetting, and the areas that you feel unloved, disrespected, or simply wronged.

Then go through each one individually.

Ask yourself how you feel when you think about this. Dig deeper past anger to the other primary emotions. What hurts you about this, and why is that important to you?

Then ask yourself what assumptions you have made about your partner and their actions, why do you think they behaving in that way?

After these initial questions about this single resentment item, ask:

• What do you want?
• What is the need or longing beneath the complaint/ hurt?
• What acknowledgment do they need to make, what action do they need to take or what can they change?

The need or longing will often be something positive but will require you to be vulnerable to explain. Such as, “I want to feel confident that I can always assume the best about you.” If the need points to a conflict, such as “I want you to prove you can be trusted,” then keep trying.

Step Three: Explain your needs clearly

This is the first of the steps where you speak with your partner. You now have a clearer understanding of your own resentments present in your marriage. This is useful but it is also a vulnerable time in the process of your feelings.

Now that you have a better understanding of your resentments, it’s time to talk to your partner. But be careful. Respected relationship experts John and Julie Gottman found that if a conversation begins with criticism or other destructive communication, it will end as an argument every time.

So, do not start with accusations such as, “you always,” or “you never.” Instead talk from your perspective, using a formula such as the one below:

When ___________ happened/happens, I feel/felt ___________. What I would like/need from you is ___________. I want to feel ___________.

This can be modeled through the following:

Instead of, “You never have time to speak with me. You always see your work as more important than me or our marriage.”

Try:

“When you work late nights and weekends, I feel unimportant and abandoned. What I would like is more quality time together. I want to feel like I matter to you, and that I’m your priority.”

Step Four: Understand and be sensitive to their triggers

Do you remember when you issued a complaint to your partner and they responded in typical fashion by reacting defensively or turning away? It is far more nuanced than simply labeling them as inconsiderate.

They are likely triggered. That their own insecurities and unresolved emotional wounds have been hit by what you have said. When this happens, they do not hear your request, they simply hear: “You’re not doing enough. You’re a failure.” or “You don’t make me happy because you’re not good enough for me.”

This is the power of resentment breeding resentment. By communicating your hurts, you are hurting your spouse and when they react, you are hurt in turn. This downward spiral is difficult to interrupt.

You can interrupt this cycle. Notice when your spouse reacts defensively and respond with kindness and empathy. Reassure their insecurities and you will set yourself up for a far more beneficial conversation.

Step Five: Choose to see their point of view

Now, take a look at the ways you interpreted your resentments and the assumptions you made: did you write that you felt unimportant, disrespected, unappreciated, or unattractive?

Ask what else is going on, but remember to arm yourself with compassion first:

“I’m interested to know why you are working so hard. You work late into the night and often on weekends. Can you tell me what is going on at work? It seems impossible for us to spend time together with such an onerous workload.”

“I miss the frequency of sex that we used to have. Are you struggling with anything? How do you feel about our sex life?”

“When that thing happened / when you said that thing what was going on for you? What did you mean when you said that?”

This takes patience and a keen awareness and commitment for both of you to keep on track. Difficult conversations are often more productive when facilitated by a trained marriage counselor.

Step Six: Create a plan of action

During this step, write down in a phrase or a sentence sharing what actions would help you feel that your needs are met and resolve the situation.

Is it them saying sorry, a commitment to a regular date night, a plan to redistribute the chores, a request for more words of appreciation, or to have a regular sex night? You need to be clear as then the action plan becomes more meaningful and effective.

Importantly, do not forget what your partner might need. Try: “What can I do from my side to help you make these changes?” There may be a real obstacle in the way, so look to get an honest answer and then do what you can to help remove the obstacles so that you increase your chances of success.

The scary thing here is that you are expressing needs. Not demands. Expressing a need will often make you feel vulnerable because there is no guarantee it will be met. This is why expressing it requires courage.

Step Seven: Celebrate your successes

Real change is slow. It takes time to repair things and the repair happens one step at a time, moment by moment. Reward yourself and your spouse by appreciating and celebrating your positive momentum because positive reinforcement works.

Be sure to notice your partner trying and tell them how much that means to you and how it makes you feel. There will be times when both of you will make mistakes but do not forget to appreciate the great progress you are both making.

Christian counseling will help you heal resentment in marriage

If you’re looking for additional help to teach how you manage the resentment that has built up in your marriage, then browse our online counselor directory or contact our office to find out how we can help you. We would be honored to walk with you on this journey.