How Your Upbringing Affects Your First Year of Marriage: Dividing Household Responsibilities

Marriage is a beautiful journey filled with joy, love, and growth, but it also comes with its share of challenges, especially managing household responsibilities. For newlyweds, disagreements over chores can quickly overshadow the excitement of starting their life together.

What these couples often overlook is that their differing expectations are not just about dishes and dusting – they are rooted in the ways they were raised. Understanding how upbringing shapes our views on household roles and learning to adjust to these differences in our spouse are crucial steps toward building a harmonious marriage and finally tackling the “to-do list.”

Katie and Carson: A Case Study in Marital Expectations

Katie and Carson were a young couple who had been happily married for three months. They had moved into a cozy new apartment, sparsely furnished and filled with thrifted items and hand-me-downs. Because neither of them had ever lived alone, neither had learned how to efficiently maintain a home. Soon, the dirty dishes were piled up in the sink, and the trash cans overflowed. Their love nest had turned into a pigsty, and neither was willing to do the household chores.

Katie came from a single-dad household where her father had done most of the housework. Carson grew up in a house that had more traditional gender roles, where his mother took care of all the household responsibilities while his dad supported the family financially.

Katie and Carson had opposite viewpoints as to who should be taking care of the household chores. Since Carson worked a full-time job, he felt that Katie should take on most of the household chores. Katie felt that the household chores should be equally shared, even though she did not contribute financially to the household.

The Impact of Upbringing on Marriage Expectations

The way we are raised plays a significant role in shaping our expectations in marriage, especially when it comes to household duties. For some, the model of a traditional household – where one partner, often the wife, manages the home while the other provides financially – may seem like the norm.

Others might come from backgrounds where household chores were shared more equally or handled by a single parent, influencing their views on what’s fair and expected in a relationship.

When two people with different family backgrounds come together, their ideas about household roles can clash, leading to misconceptions and unrealistic expectations. Katie and Carson, for example, were each operating from different understandings of what their roles should be, shaped by their upbringing. This led to frustration and a lack of cooperation.

Finding Balance: Dividing Household Chores Fairly

To avoid these conflicts, couples like Katie and Carson need to have open and honest conversations about their expectations. It’s essential to recognize how your upbringing has influenced your views and to understand your partner’s perspective. By doing so, you can work together to create a new dynamic that suits your relationship, rather than simply replicating the roles you observed growing up.

When dividing household responsibilities, consider each partner’s contributions – both financial and practical. Carson and Katie, for example, should consider Carson’s full-time job and Katie’s other commitments or contributions to the household. Fair doesn’t always mean equal, but it does mean considering each other’s workload, health, preferences, and even phobias.

Practical Tips for a Balanced Household

Here are some tips to help you balance household chores effectively with your partner.

Maintain open communication Start by discussing your expectations and where they came from. Understanding each other’s backgrounds can help you identify and understand differences more effectively.

Assess your current situation Look at your schedules, workloads, and preferences. Are there tasks one of you enjoys or is particularly good at? Use that to your advantage.

Create a system Whether it’s a chore chart, a rotating schedule or simply dividing tasks based on who’s home more often, find a system that works for both of you.

Be flexible Life changes, and so should your household arrangements. Be willing to reassess and redistribute tasks as needed.

Support each other Remember that both financial and practical contributions are valuable. Support your partner in their role and recognize the effort they put into making your household run smoothly.

Forgive Overcoming preconceived ideas regarding the division of work and gender roles may take some time. Be patient with your partner and forgive when they fail to do their part or make assumptions based on their upbringing.

Rotate tasks regularly To prevent either partner from feeling burdened by specific chores, consider rotating tasks regularly. This approach not only ensures that responsibilities are shared more evenly, but it also helps both partners develop a better appreciation for the work involved in the different tasks. By switching roles, you can avoid burnout and maintain a sense of fairness and cooperation.

Work together Work together on large or difficult chores to make them easier and more fun! Whether it’s cooking dinner or doing dishes, a lot of bonding and good conversation can happen while working together.

Simplify your space Reduce the number of items that need to be cleaned or maintained by decluttering regularly.

Set a deadline If you are having a hard time feeling motivated, agree upon a deadline for completing certain tasks. Having a deadline to meet helps keep you motivated and establishes clear expectations.

Turning to God

For those who turn to their faith, the Bible offers timeless wisdom on navigating the ups and downs of married life, even in the most difficult moments. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 reminds us of the strength found in unity: “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.” (ESV) Your marital bumps and curveballs should be dealt with together as a couple, with Christ at the center of your relationship.

No matter your family history or unmet expectations, the Lord can help you overcome any obstacle that comes your way. Spend time in prayer together, show compassion to your partner, and always present your authentic self when facing challenges. God desires unity in your marriage and will help you learn to blend, even in the most trying moments, if you turn to Him for guidance and grace.

You Can Work Together

As you walk through the early stages of marriage, remember that the way you and your partner approach household responsibilities is more than just a practical concern – it’s an opportunity to deepen your connection. Don’t allow stubbornness or pride to rob you of a true connection with your partner.

Recognizing the influence of your upbringing, being intentional in your communication, and trusting God to bring you together allows you to lay the foundation for a marriage that is built on mutual respect and understanding. The act of sharing chores isn’t just about getting things done; it’s about building a partnership where both voices are heard, and both contributions are valued.

Embracing these differences and finding common ground allows you to create a home that reflects both of you and your common faith in God. Allow your home to be a place where love is expressed not only in words but in the daily acts of kindness and cooperation that keep your relationship thriving.

Seeking Help

If your marriage encounters obstacles that feel overwhelming and difficult to resolve on your own, seeking professional counseling is a valuable step. A skilled therapist can provide the tools and guidance needed to create a balanced approach to household responsibilities, helping you and your partner navigate expectations and reach a fair compromise.

Counseling provides a neutral space to explore underlying issues related to your upbringing, improve communication, and strengthen your partnership, ensuring that both of you feel supported and understood as you build a life together.

To seek the help of a therapist in strengthening your marriage through better communication regarding household chores, contact our office today.