How We Get Stuck in Trauma

There comes a time in all of our lives when we must face the worst experience we could imagine. It might be anything from the death of a loved one to a chronic illness diagnosis, sudden poverty, or a relationship that turns toxic. Sometimes these things happen when we are too young to understand them, but they affect our lives for decades, nevertheless.

Sometimes it feels like no matter what we do, we can’t get past a certain experience. It’s as if our lives took a screenshot of the traumatic moment, and now that picture is forever framed as a reminder of what we went through. Every time we look at it, we feel uncomfortable, but we don’t know what to do with those feelings. What does it mean to be stuck in trauma, and how can we get unstuck?

The Great Escape from Trauma

For many people, the most natural way of dealing with trauma is to intellectualize it. Whenever they encounter trauma, in whatever form it takes, they naturally respond by trying to think through it. They might become silent, withdrawn, and stoic, endlessly replaying events in their mind while trying to figure out how it could have gone differently.

Alternatively, they might find a person with whom they talk about the life-altering events, only to go round in circles without ever finding a way past the trauma. Their attempts to cope with or process trauma are ineffective because we can’t think our way out of trauma. We must feel our way out of it, as uncomfortable as it is.

The reason we find comfort in intellectualizing trauma and our feelings is that it distances us from the events. For example, a man who is navigating a messy divorce might talk to his therapist about the details of his relationship’s demise with apparent calm. He might seem relieved to go over the details of the failed marriage and even take his share of the blame for why it didn’t work out.

On the surface, he might appear to be fine, but that can never be an appropriate response to such a life-changing event. There must be more beneath the surface. By reliving the events of his divorce in his therapy sessions, he is tactfully avoiding having to face his feelings on the matter despite talking about them.

From Coping Mechanisms to Cages

Many people know about the survival instincts that kick in when we face a threat. Our bodies are flooded with adrenaline that helps us face the danger and fight it or escape from it. We might also freeze with fear, and hope that if we’re still, the danger will pass us by. These reactions are baked into our DNA and are a physical response to perceived danger.

We experience these survival instincts as physical sensations, like shivers down our spine, a hollow feeling of fear in our stomachs, or a heated sensation in our heads. However, there is another type of survival sensation, and it happens in our emotions.

Trauma can also be an emotional threat. Trauma isn’t just the physical threat of a snake faced on a walking path. It can also be the emotional trauma of an abusive teacher who constantly shames us in front of our peers. Just as we experience physical trauma in a car accident, we experience emotional trauma with the grief after losing a parent. Physical danger feels a lot like emotional trauma, and sometimes our body and emotions can’t tell the difference.

Our coping mechanism for dealing with trauma sometimes becomes our cage. When we intellectualize trauma, it is like a flight response. We retreat into the safety of our minds and lock ourselves in there so that we don’t have to deal with the horrors on the other side of the door.

While this is an instinct, and it certainly helps us cope with trauma for a short time, it eventually becomes less of a comfort and more of a cage. We become trapped in a never-ending pattern of intellectualizing everything that happens to us, always trying to figure out what to do next.

The Only Way Out When You’re Stuck in Trauma

Thinking through trauma, and even talking about it, is not the same as processing it. Trauma does impact us mentally, but we primarily experience trauma in our body and then in our emotions. In other words, we feel trauma inside and out.

Sometimes it feels like shaking, crying, and balled-up fists. Other times, trauma feels like a headache, a compromised immune system, sleeplessness, or aching joints. More often than not, we get stuck in trauma because we never allow ourselves to go through it, which is the only way out of it.

It’s scary to feel things, especially when we have spent our entire lives trying to avoid certain feelings. Some of us have trauma that is closely tied to expressing ourselves, and we have felt like there would be a price to pay if we expressed ourselves honestly.

Many of us are navigating relationships and friendships by walking on eggshells, trying incredibly hard not to break anything around us. That is exhausting work, and so not only do we have unresolved trauma, but we are exhausted from trying to navigate life.

Healing, unfortunately, happens in the unknown. Processing trauma requires risk and bravery. We might have to feel foolish, vulnerable, and afraid in front of others. We can’t brainstorm our way out of trauma, and we won’t become unstuck in our loves by thinking. We might have to be honest and say what we think or demonstrate how we feel.

Getting Unstuck

None of this is easy, that’s true. People, for the most part, have been conditioned to steer themselves away from pain, grief, and trauma, and many people distrust their emotions and bodies. It is good to process certain things cognitively, and intellectual problem-solving can be a strength. However, we mostly get stuck in trauma because we haven’t tried a new approach. We need a safe space, with a person we trust, where we can learn new skills and let go of old ones.

A lot of healing and release comes from talking about our past experiences. This is one of the reasons people pray when they are in distress or attend confession in a church. Sometimes we feel so much better when we hear confirmation or words of encouragement.

However, trauma goes much deeper. Even when we think we have had a breakthrough, we encounter something in life that proves otherwise. It might feel as if we will never move past the trauma we experienced, but the first step to a long journey of healing is reaching out.

We might not need to talk about our past any more than we have. We might be physically and emotionally drained from thinking too much about what happened to us. We might simply crave a neutral space where we can be ourselves and express ourselves honestly. Getting unstuck does not happen overnight. We might feel worse before we feel better, but we must not give up on ourselves. We’ve made it this far. We can reach a place where there is freedom and healing from trauma.

Getting Help: Christian Trauma Counseling in Texas

A counselor is a safe person to help you heal because they will never judge you for expressing yourself. It might feel awkward at first to talk about deep, personal things with a stranger, but most counselors are great at making you feel comfortable, even in the silence. If you are ready to meet with a counselor, please contact our office today at Texas Christian Counseling. We can help you find the right person to meet with from the skillful therapists in our directory.