What is Infidelity? The Nature and Impact

The best of relationships isn’t perfect. Even happy couples have their fair share of squabbles, miscommunication, or points of frustration. Of the many challenges to a relationship that a couple can encounter, infidelity is likely one of the more distressing. According to recent statistics, infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce. Around 60% of couples cite a partner’s unfaithfulness as a reason their marriage ended.

Getting a handle on what infidelity is and why it affects a marriage so deeply will help couples navigate these tricky waters if they ever find themselves there.

Marriage has boundaries.

In our culture, relationships take a variety of shapes and are meant to meet different needs. Marriage is, at least from a Christian perspective, a monogamous relationship that brings a man and a woman into a lifelong commitment. This commitment and mutual love are a mirror of the love and respect shared between Jesus Christ and the Church. Marital faithfulness is a reminder and picture of the exclusive relationship Jesus has with His people (Ephesians 5:22-33).

The reality of this is why, whenever God’s people decide to worship anything other than God, it is called spiritual adultery (1 John 2:15-17; James 4:4-5; Jeremiah 3:20). Our marriages give us a reference point and language for understanding what is happening when we worship something that isn’t the Creator. It marks the marriage relationship itself as a distinct relationship that’s meant to be exclusive.

In this situation, when one party fails to fulfill the obligation of exclusivity, trust can be lost, and the marriage may be irretrievably broken. Even for relationships that don’t fit the pattern of Christian marriage, the relationship has some sort of boundary whose transgression implies infidelity. There is an innate sense that certain relationships require exclusivity of some kind to function, a boundary that marks what belongs to “us” and is not for “them”.

The nature of infidelity.

At the heart of infidelity, then, is this sense that something that belongs to us has been taken and given to someone else. The way the book of Proverbs puts it is to say that one should drink from their own cistern and that your springs should not overflow in the streets where strangers get to enjoy them (Proverbs 5:15-20). You are for your spouse, and your spouse is for you (1 Corinthians 7:4), and infidelity breaks that exclusivity.

Thus, infidelity is a deep breach of trust. This is the case whether the infidelity was physical in nature, or emotional. Emotional infidelity is just as real, and just as potent as a physical or sexual affair. That’s one reason why one will hide an emotional affair or become defensive when questioned about it. It’s real, and it affects the marriage. Marriage is described in the Bible as a one-flesh union (Genesis 2:24); infidelity undercuts and damages this union.

Additionally, infidelity, like other ways we fall short, is often a capitulation to deception. In the case of infidelity, the deception is that your spouse won’t meet your needs and that someone else is better suited to do so. This deception may have grains of truth in it, and it may be rooted in real experiences. Nonetheless, it assumes that the grass is greener on the other side as it takes something that belongs to one’s spouse and gifts it to another person.

Working through the impact of infidelity.

Whatever the reasons behind it, infidelity breaks trust. That is one of the first casualties of infidelity. Having said that, part of working through infidelity is for the couple to understand the dynamics of their relationship. People are complex, and they have needs, expectations, fears, and hopes. A couple needs to understand how these played a role in the decision to have an affair if they desire to strengthen their relationship.

Infidelity forces a couple to reexamine their relationship and to look at themselves anew. By unleashing fear, pain, and distrust, infidelity can thoroughly undermine a relationship to the point of total breakdown. However, a couple may also take the opportunity to rebuild their relationship stronger than ever on a foundation of mutual understanding, forgiveness, compassion, and accountability.

With hard work and by taking a long and honest look at their relationship, a couple can bring their relationship back from the brink. It’s not easy, and both parties need to be willing to work at it, but it is possible to have a strong marriage after infidelity. With help from a counselor, you can start afresh and build a healthy marriage.