“I Am Angry!” What Your Anger Is Saying, and How to Deal with It

Is it such a bad thing for you to feel or get angry? Anger is a powerful emotion that often doesn’t receive the appreciation it deserves. One important reason for this is that the circumstances that typically trigger anger and the ways anger is expressed were not proportionate. It’s not pleasant to revisit the reasons we got angry or the ways we reacted. These negative associations become confused with anger itself.

Instead of lumping anger and these negative experiences together, there may be value in recognizing how anger can be helpful and becoming acquainted with the healthy ways anger can be expressed. These steps can help you come to terms with your anger and improve various facets of your life, including your ability to regulate emotions and address your relationships with others.

Anger – Yay or Nay?

When you think about anger, do you ever think of it as something that the Lord may have given you for a purpose? The sum of your life experiences may lead you to say “No” and feel entirely justified in saying so. Frankly, Scripture says a lot about anger, and most of it is cautionary. Whenever human anger is mentioned, it’s usually a warning that it shouldn’t be indulged. One poignant example of this is from James, which reads,

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God – James 1:19-20, ESV

Human anger is placed in stark contrast to a life that does right by God and with others. The idea is to avoid anger altogether, right? It’s possible to take it this way, but that leaves you with an awkward silence when you encounter various Bible passages about God’s anger, like when Jesus is angered and grieved at the Pharisees’ hardness of heart (Mark 3:5) or when His disciples were preventing children from coming to Him (Mark 10:14).

It also makes it hard to understand when the apostle Paul speaks about being “indignant” when followers of Jesus are made to fall (2 Corinthians 11:29, ESV), or the admonition, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26, ESV). What seems to be happening is that the Bible cautions that our anger does not often serve us or others and should be avoided, but there’s more to the picture.

The “anger of man” – the sort of anger that originates in human motives, and from a mindset that’s driven by the things of man rather than what pleases God – can be deeply problematic, and ought to be avoided. The core issue is our hearts, and not the emotion itself. While God is angered by sin and responds accordingly, our anger is often self-serving, and our responses are disproportionate.

The Bible holds us accountable for our anger, and the many stories it tells show us how the anger of man is destructive and doesn’t align with the will of God. In our anger, as sinful people, we can and do cross the line, harming others and ourselves by what we say and do.

What Your Anger May Be Saying

You’d think that maybe, then, anger doesn’t have a place in our lives. On the contrary, anger plays an important function in our lives, and it’s important to pay attention to it. One way to conceive of anger is to think of it like a gauge or warning light. The instrument cluster in a car or airplane helps you figure out what’s going on with the machine. You need to pay attention to the beeps and warning lights, making any necessary changes along the way.

When you feel angry, one helpful question to ask yourself is “Why do I feel angry?” At times, it may be entirely obvious why you are angry. You’re angry because that person ran a red light and nearly sideswiped you. Perhaps you should dig deeper. Why does the fact that you were nearly sideswiped anger you? Are you worried about the damage to your car? Is it the inconvenience of it all, or perhaps the possible threat to your life?

What you find as you interrogate your feelings of anger is that anger functions in a lot of different ways. Sometimes, anger is a way to mask other, less comfortable feelings. You might be feeling angry, but that anger could be a way to hide other emotions like shame, humiliation, or fear. Anger feels more comfortable, so that’s what pops out, but that’s not what’s really at the root of things.

You may also find that your anger is telling you that your boundaries are being violated by another person. They may be invading your personal space, taking advantage of you, or telling a joke that hits close to home. Your anger is a way of telling you that someone crossed a line, or even that you are feeling unsafe because of their posture or actions toward you.

In some instances, you may get angry because something precious to you is threatened. It could be your child, your social standing, a job promotion, a cherished idea, or anything else that can be important to you. We get angry when the prospect of losing something that matters to us rears its head. Anger can protect us from things that seem threatening to us or our well-being.

How to Deal with Your Anger

What should you do when you feel angry? Your anger has a role to play in your life, and so dismissing it, suppressing it, or denying it exists is not helpful to you. It’s also not beneficial for you to give your anger full vent, or to simply yield to it without working through what your anger means.

Some of the ways to approach and deal with your anger include the following:

Acknowledge your anger Having a healthy relationship with your anger entails first acknowledging what you’re feeling. Your anger is informing you that something is going on inside of you, and you’d do well to pay attention.

Understand your anger While we might all feel the emotion called ‘anger’, we don’t all feel it the same way, or for the same reason. Some people feel their faces flush when they feel angry; others clench their fists or jaws. Know what cues tell you when you’re becoming angry. Additionally, understand the different things that tend to trigger your anger, to prepare yourself for those situations.

Sometimes your anger is worsened when you are stressed, or you haven’t eaten or slept well. When you know this about yourself, you can have better control of your anger by taking active steps to reduce stress, have a meal, or get to bed early so that you can handle your anger better.

Keep control Anger can be an overwhelming feeling, one that can push you to act uncharacteristically. If anger takes hold and you don’t stand in its way, you might wind up saying and doing things you regret; people can be badly hurt. Rather than give your anger free rein, keep it under control, using breathing techniques, visualization, reframing your thoughts, or using humor to diffuse the situation.

You can also help yourself by learning when you need to walk away from a situation. Taking a self-imposed time-out, writing a draft email and sitting on it for a while before sending it – these are just some ways you can create space from the moment to allow yourself room to think clearly.

Seek help There are many additional reasons you may get angry. Your anger may be connected to depression, chronic stress, and other mental health concerns. Talking to a therapist or counselor can help you identify the roots of your anger, and they can also equip you with tools to handle anger and express it more appropriately. It’s possible to form a healthy relationship with your anger, bringing it under control.

For more information and to set an appointment with me or one of the other counselors at Texas Christian Counseling, contact us today.