How to Improve Your Listening Skills in Marriage

To improve listening skills in your marriage, you need to understand the reasons why you can miss significant details in what your partner is saying, even though you believe that you are listening.

Why do misunderstandings happen?

Misunderstandings can happen for a variety of reasons. Here are a few common problems that lead to misunderstandings in marriage.

 You are preoccupied, exhausted, or both: Imagine you are thinking about a problem you had at work while the children are screaming and the television is blasting at full volume. Now your partner has started talking to you about how they expect company later in the evening. You give a satisfied nod and say okay, but were you paying attention to what was being said? Likely not.

You make assumptions: A damaging attempt at mind reading, assumptions can cause a lot of trouble in a relationship. A common way this occurs is when you think that there is a secret meaning to the words that your spouse has said. In reality, you may be reading too much into the situation.

Ever-shortening attention spans: A measly eight seconds is considered to be the average attention span of a human being. That means you can lose focus quickly when your spouse is talking to you, often without even realizing it. There are, however, ways to get better at this and become a good listener when you are speaking with the important people in your life, particularly your partner.

Sometimes it’s difficult to listen to what each other has to say. There are so many demands that are placed on us by life, and it always seems as though a million things are competing for our attention, such as our jobs, our hobbies, our friends, and our children.

Because of this, you and the other person are likely to feel unheard, blamed, and defensive. It’s even possible for it to cause communication breakdowns that otherwise could have been avoided.

Why listening skills are important.

Being a good communicator requires not only the ability to talk well but also to listen well. Conversely, being able to talk well is not necessarily the key to being a good listener. Learning how to communicate effectively is an important life skill that all married couples should acquire.

We understand one another, feel closer to and more connected to one another, and ultimately, we can avoid unnecessary conflict when we listen well. In the event that conflict does occur, as it inevitably will, we are better able to resolve it if we practice attentive listening.

Skills for being a more effective listener.

Active listening is when you hear not only the words that are being said but also the complete message that is being communicated by the other person.

The following are a few pointers that can assist you in developing your skills in active listening and getting your relationship off to a better start when it comes to developing healthier communication patterns.

Eliminate distractions.

Put an end to whatever it is that you’re doing, if at all possible. Turn off the television, don’t answer the phone, and look for a time when the two of you can be alone together so you can talk.

Make use of both your body language and what you say.

When you want to encourage your partner to continue, lean in slightly, smile, make eye contact, and nod every once in a while. Make an effort to maintain an open and interested posture.

Withhold judgment.

First, you should wait for your partner to finish their point before interjecting with comments. When you focus on response, your mind tends to zero in and become fixated on anything that your partner may be saying that you take exception to. Take a breather and allow them to complete what they were saying. This will help you hear fully before you give your thoughts.

Ask questions to fully understand their ideas.

Before providing feedback, make sure you ask questions if you need more information. Request clarification from them if there is anything you are unsure of whether or not you understand. Avoid asking argumentative questions. This is simply a time for clarification to make sure you understand their perspective.

Review what they said and paraphrase it in your own words.

After your partner has finished making their point, you should try to restate it in your own words based on what you believe you have heard them say.

Check to see if you can do this in a tone that is tentative and questioning, which acts as a check-in and allows for the possibility that you may have misunderstood what was being said. This is not the time or place to respond with a passive-aggressive tone or statement such as “So, let me get this straight.”

Participate in meaningful and in-depth listening exercises to improve listening skills.

In the counseling room, one of the activities that we frequently give to couples to practice is presented below. We give them instructions to practice in their own time, first on their own, then with a friend or member of their family, and finally with one another. It can help you develop skills in deep and active listening, as well as help you find ways to reconnect with people and the world around you.

Consistency and repetition are extremely important components of the learning process for any new skill. Consequently, assign this task to yourself and make it a goal to deliberately practice at least once per week for the next couple of months.

Preparation: You will require the assistance of a member of your family, a close friend, or, when you are ready, your partner. Ask them to think of two different things that they are enthusiastic about, such as activities, hobbies, holidays, or topics, and that they would enjoy talking about. You also need to consider two different subjects.

Instructions:

1. Suggest to your partner that they talk for three minutes about one of the topics that they have chosen. During this time, it is your responsibility to both listen and put the following skills into practice:

• Maintain direct gaze contact.
• Lean in and try to maintain an open posture.
• Make eye contact with them and smile, as this will encourage them to continue talking.
• If you find yourself wanting to talk or ask a question when your inner voice begins to speak up, tap your knee three times and remain silent.

2. After your conversational partner has talked for a total of three minutes, pose any clarifying questions you might have.

3. In a tone that is uncertain and questioning, briefly summarize what it is that you have heard them tell you. It is critical that you make a concerted effort to refrain from contributing any of your ideas, reactions, or emotions.

4. Encourage your partner to clarify, respond, and fill in anything significant that they believe you may have missed.

5. If you are performing this exercise with a partner, switch places with them halfway through.

6. After you and your partner have each had a chance to take turns attentively listening while the other person speaks for three minutes, try the same exercise but this time speaks for five minutes using the second topic that was selected.

Improve your listening skills.

You have the potential to become an excellent listener with consistent practice. Ultimately, the ability to listen to another person, interpret what they’re saying, and understand the meaning behind the words they’re telling you is an essential skill that will help you in all aspects of your life.

This is true with your partner as well as your friends, and coworkers. Understanding the meaning behind the words someone is telling you is an essential skill that will help you in all aspects of your life.

You can continue to improve your listening skills with consistent practice. You can also continue to build deeper, more trusting connections and relationships with the people in your immediate environment.

Get in touch with us so that we can connect you with a therapist who can assist you in improving your communication with your significant other.