How to Forgive: Dealing with Toxic and Dysfunctional Family Members

There aren’t any relationships quite like the relationship you have with your family. You can have “found family,” the people you gather around yourself as you make your way through life, and those relationships can be influential and life-changing. Your family, however, is that group of people you didn’t choose to be connected to, and maybe you wouldn’t ever pick them if you had the opportunity. However, it came about, family is a tie that binds.

Putting it like that almost makes it seem as though families are more trouble than they’re worth, and more likely to be troublesome than not. Families are the first community we find ourselves part of, and they can be an amazing community of nurture and learning. These communities, like any other community, can be beautiful, but they can also be dysfunctional. What do you do when your family is toxic or dysfunctional?

Various Ways Families May Be Dysfunctional

When one or more people come together for a common cause, the door is open to issues such as unbalanced power dynamics, unhealthy communication, conflict, and personality clashes. There are different ways for a family to be dysfunctional, and each family can manifest dysfunction in its own unique way.

Some common patterns of dysfunction in families include the following:

Emotional dysfunction This includes issues such as emotional abuse, neglect, and placing unrealistic expectations upon family members. Abuse can take the form of belittling humor, emotional manipulation, and verbal aggression. Ignoring or being dismissive of family members’ needs is emotional neglect. Families are also spaces where excessive pressure to succeed is often placed on people.

Communication breakdown Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship, and there are various ways it can break down. Dysfunction might take the form of passive-aggressive behavior, being overly critical of one another, and avoiding conflict and hard conversations that need to be had. Being defensive or dismissive is another form of dysfunction, as is failing to listen empathetically and attentively to each other.

Power imbalances There are differences between family members, but these may be dysfunctional if they fall into the pattern of being authoritarian and exerting excessive control over family members to the point of suppressing individual autonomy. Playing favorites and showing an unfair preference, or playing one child against another, can be an example of this power imbalance.

Poor boundaries Boundaries are important limits set around each individual to maintain and nurture their individuality. Dysfunction can occur where there’s enmeshment, which is being too involved in others’ lives. Ignoring or disrespecting family members’ emotional or physical boundaries is another concern. Being overprotective and shielding others from consequences or responsibilities is also a significant boundary issue.

Trauma and abuse Inflicting or threatening physical harm on others is abuse. Other forms of abuse include engaging in non-consensual or exploitative sexual behavior with family members. Lastly, neglect, which includes failing to provide basic needs such as food, shelter, or healthcare to family members, is also a form of abuse that can traumatize them.

Substance abuse Family dynamics can be affected drastically through substance use and abuse, making the home feel unsafe and leading to the possibility of neglect and abandonment.

Financial irresponsibility and a lack of accountability A family’s finances are a key aspect of the family’s well-being. Mismanaging and squandering the family’s resources is irresponsible and a form of dysfunction, as it leads to instability and stress in the home. Not taking accountability for one’s actions will typically lead to loss of trust in the relationship.

Many of these patterns of behavior will likely intersect and overlap in different ways within a given family, and this makes each family’s situation unique.

How Family Dysfunction Affects Family Members

When the above or other types of dysfunctions are present in your family, they tend to leave their mark on the family as a whole. The impact such dysfunction has can be physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional; it can also linger for a long time and affect every aspect of a person’s life for decades.

Family dysfunction, such as constant criticism or belittling, can lead to a person internalizing that dialogue and becoming doubtful of their positive qualities. Low self-esteem is often the result. Dysfunction can also result in difficulty managing emotions, an increased risk of anxiety and depression, and complex trauma resulting from repeated exposure to physical, emotional, or psychological abuse.

When a person is exposed to dysfunction within their family, it can also have relational and behavioral effects. For instance, it can cause the development of intimate issues and struggles to trust others. This often makes it harder to form and maintain healthy relationships with others. Dysfunction can also lead to people-pleasing behaviors, which can lead to burnout and resentment when personal needs get set aside to meet others’ needs.

Additionally, a person may take on unhealthy behaviors such as substance abuse as a way to try to cope with the emotional stress or pain of a difficult family situation. One other unfortunate result is that having been exposed to dysfunctional patterns of relationships, some will be attracted to or perpetuate unhealthy relationships due to the familiar patterns those relationships represent.

Dysfunction in families will also typically have physical and health effects. These effects include chronic stress, which can lead to poor health because of a weakened immune system, headaches, and stomach problems. Insomnia and other sleep disturbances due to stress and hypervigilance are another effect.

Emotional distress can affect well-being, including diminishing academic or professional performance. Over the long term, dysfunction in the family can affect future generations. Unhealthy patterns can filter into other relationships, on and on, if they are left intact and unaddressed.

How to Forgive Toxic Family Members

Going through any form of dysfunction can be distressing in many ways. Sometimes, the distress can be compounded if multiple family members participate in it, or if family members witness dysfunction and do little to nothing to help you out. Such wounds go deep, and they become the source of deep pain, bitterness, and resentment. There are many ways of addressing family dysfunction and its results.

If you’ve experienced or are experiencing a dysfunctional or toxic family situation, you should strongly consider looking for support from an independent party, such as a trusted authority figure or a mental health professional. On your journey toward wholeness and healing, forgiveness is a necessary ingredient. Forgiving those who’ve wronged you is a challenging prospect, and there are a few things to consider as you do this.

You must understand what forgiveness is and is not. Forgiving someone is not the same thing as forgetting what they did to you. You’re not forgetting what happened, but instead, choosing to let go of the negative emotions roused by the harm you experienced. Forgiveness also doesn’t mean the same thing as reconciliation. Forgiveness can open the path to that step if you want to do that, but it isn’t the same thing.

Forgiveness is for YOU. You’re choosing not to be held captive by desires for vengeance or the anger that often accompanies being hurt by others. Forgiveness is about finding a way to heal and move forward.

As you prepare yourself for forgiveness, acknowledge the feelings stirred up by the harm you experienced or witnessed. You don’t have to do this alone or go into it unprepared. Take care of your mental and emotional well-being and know that it’s okay to seek support and lean on trusted loved ones or a counselor and share what you’re feeling with them.

To forgive someone, let go of feelings of resentment. Take a moment to exercise empathy so that you can understand, without excusing, the toxic family member’s perspective and behavior. Forgiveness is a conscious decision, one only you can make. You can forgive them while creating and communicating clear boundaries so that you can protect yourself from future harm.

For many, the reality is that forgiveness isn’t just a once-and-done thing. In reality, forgiving someone is a process that may take time and be beset with setbacks along the way. Sometimes the person offends you again, or you recall yet another incident you’d forgotten about. Continue to take care of yourself, surround yourself with supportive people, and continue to make the choice to maintain forgiveness.

The journey toward forgiveness can be a hard one, but it’s worth it as a step toward overcoming the dysfunction you experienced. Consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor who can walk gently with you through the process of forgiveness. Beyond forgiveness, there is also the work of healing and overcoming harmful patterns of behavior you may have adopted.

Healing and growth are possible; I would encourage you to reach out to find the help and support you need. I would be honored to walk the journey of forgiveness with you. To learn more and to schedule an appointment, contact my office today.