Coping with Divorce with the Help of Christian Counseling

Few people say “I do” with the idea that it is a temporary commitment. Our world does a great job of selling us a highly romanticized view of love and marriage, but not often do we see the more challenging reality of what marriage entails, leaving many unprepared for this lifelong commitment.

In his book, Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas points to this reality, stating, “…marriage reminds us of the daily reality of living as sinful human beings in a radically broken world. We aspire after love but far too often descend into hate and apathy.” And unfortunately, many madly in love end in divorce.

Divorce is particularly hated among Christian crowds who are passionately against the idea of breaking a commitment, especially one before God and one that has been consummated. Despite all the sticky entanglements involved, people are still coping with divorce. Or in some cases, not coping well with it.

It’s ideal and biblical to remain married. The commitment of marriage is a sacred, enduring bond between two people designed to reflect God’s love and covenant with His people.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. – Ephesians 5:25

In the best circumstances, marriage is a beautiful union, meant to last a lifetime, just like you vowed on that special day.

The Bible speaks clearly to the importance of faithfulness, love, and perseverance in marriage. It instructs husbands and wives to support, honor, and cherish each other through all circumstances (even in-laws, late-night feedings, and a stack of bills). Jesus Himself reminds us in Matthew 19:6 that “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

That said, the road to a successful, lifelong marriage is not always smooth. You’re human, and so is your spouse (you probably already know all too well their human frailties). Every relationship faces its challenges, even those you envy.

The Bible calls us to give our best effort to seek reconciliation and to live in peace with one another. The reality is that not every marriage is able to be saved.

The Bible even speaks to particular circumstances, such as sexual immorality or adultery and abandonment of an unbelieving spouse :

“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” – Matthew 19:9

But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases, the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. – 1 Corinthians 7:15

Sometimes, divorce is an inevitable, but painfully difficult, decision that can’t be avoided and comes with emotional, spiritual, and practical implications.

The Emotional Impact of Coping with Divorce

Divorce is hardly ever a decision that is taken lightly, so when it finally happens, it will feel like the major life-altering event that it is. The emotional toll it takes on you can be varied based on the length of your marriage, your current support system, and even your age.

In early adulthood, divorces are often marked by anger and blame. For many, the first ten years of marriage offer hope and promise of change and attempts to salvage a relationship that has begun to unravel.

Sure, things might be tense or uncomfortable, but the hope of the unknown and the promise of better times keep people in their marriage. This period might be sprinkled with moments of joy and love, but it can also be frustrating, sad, and disappointing as couples try to repair what feels irreparably broken. If these efforts fall short, the decision to divorce might be made.

But midlife divorces or divorces with older partners tend to be more about partners drifting into separate lives and losing intimacy. No matter what stage of life you are in, divorce means the separation of something you once held dear, and that can be devastating.

The emotional impact of coping with divorce seeps insidiously into every area of your life. Where you once felt secure in the arms of your mate, there is insecurity and a void. Maybe you used to feel confident in your physical appearance because of your spouse’s compliments, and now you feel awkward in your once-favorite dress.

You’re used to having your automatic “plus one,” but now you find it difficult to find a partner to accompany you to social events. Even grocery shopping, walking the dog, and watching movies, those mundane activities in your life, are suddenly different. Lonely.

Of course, after a period of anger, the separation from your partner may feel peaceful. You may rally and revel in your newfound freedom and independence. But even if your partner was less than stellar, you’re likely to feel an absence in your life. Even prisoners feel a sense of loss when they are released.

You may struggle to complete all the household duties that your partner once shared. You may see a decline in available funds or struggle to live life without the familiar presence your partner offered. No matter what causes the void, there is someone who can fill it.

Finding Strength in God

Obviously, divorce is not ideal, but there is help. Of course, God wants you to be in a thriving, healthy marriage, but when that doesn’t happen, He is also there to walk through the valley with you. Psalm 34:18 reminds us that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Divorce can crush your spirit. But God can also heal those broken pieces of your heart. He can take all those “I’m not good enough” and “what’s wrong with me” moments and turn them into precious, God-moments of growth and healing.

The emotional aftermath of divorce can leave you questioning your worth, your purpose, your identity, and even your future. Evil leads you to believe lies about yourself, the world, and those around you. But God! God promises to walk beside you, offering comfort and guidance as you sort through the rubble.

Pursuing Therapy for Coping with Divorce

Therapy, too, can be a valuable tool in coping with divorce, including the emotional upheaval and grief that accompany it. It’s easy to feel like you’re drowning in a deep sea of emotions, but therapy can provide that much-needed life raft.

Therapy, whether individual or couples (if reconciliation is still on the table), gives you a platform for processing your anger or guilt without fear of judgment. It is a safe space for you to express yourself without rejection and allows you to rebuild your identity, your way, and in Christ.

Surprising Benefits of Divorce

Yes, divorce is the end of something, but it can also open you up to some pretty amazing and unexpected benefits. Out of the ashes of a broken relationship, something beautiful can bloom.

Rediscovering Yourself After years of being defined by your marriage, you are now able to rediscover who you were, who you are, and who you can be with Christ’s help. With the weight of your spouse’s expectations removed, you can explore the authentic, sometimes buried version of yourself.

Increased Independence Suddenly, you no longer have to ask permission or even consider your spouse’s schedule or preferences. No more compromising on what movie to watch or whose family to visit over the holidays. You make your own decisions, big and small, right or wrong. You don’t need approval from anyone, and that type of independence can be liberating, especially if you have been living with someone who had control over you.

Personal Walk with the Lord If your spouse insisted you go to church or demanded you stay home, you might find a new freedom in your spiritual life. You’re no longer tied to your partner’s religious views or lack of faith, and you can focus solely on your personal walk with the Lord.

In addition, because of the emotional heartache divorce can cause, it allows the opportunity to truly surrender to God. Especially in moments where strength can’t be found in yourself, looking to God for that strength allows for total dependence on Him.

Stronger Relationships with Others Now is the time to reconnect with family and friends and strengthen those relationships. Sometimes marriage can cause a division in other relationships in your life or consume time, leaving other relationships on the back burner. Now that you don’t have to invest time and energy into your marriage, you can refocus those efforts on relationships that bring you joy and support.

New Opportunities Divorce removes barriers and gives you the freedom to pursue new opportunities, such as career paths, a move to a new city, or a backpacking trip across Europe. You can chase the dreams that have been put on hold due to prioritizing your marriage.

Divorce. For all its heartache and disruption, it is not the end of your story. God can create beauty even through some of the most heartbreaking challenges in life. Divorce is a chapter in your life that, with God’s help, therapy, and a little time, can transform you into someone stronger and wiser. Life after divorce may look a little different from what you had imagined, but it can still be beautiful and fulfilling and full of new possibilities.

If you would like to meet with a therapist for support in coping with divorce, contact our office today to schedule your first appointment.