Codependency and Narcissism: Differences and Similarities

Codependency is a behavioral condition characterized by a need to feel purposeful and valued. Codependents are people pleasers who have difficulty setting boundaries or saying no.

Their sense of self-worth is determined by whether they receive approval and validation from others. They feel driven to take care of everyone else’s needs at the expense of their own. Fear of being rejected or abandoned will lead them to engage in enabling behaviors that perpetuate the dysfunctional dynamics of their relationships.

Narcissism, on the other hand, is a behavioral condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, and a deep, unrelenting need for attention and admiration. Narcissists hold a grandiose view of themselves and desire to be the center of attention.

They may resort to boasting and exaggerating about their talents and achievements to look superior, promote their own self-importance, and receive the praise and recognition they need in order to boost their ego and validate their sense of self-worth.

They have no regard for anyone else’s well-being and will manipulate and exploit others to achieve their own wants and needs, without any feeling of guilt or remorse.

Similarities Between Codependency and Narcissism

Both codependency and narcissism tend to be byproducts of growing up in a toxic, dysfunctional family environment, and while most people think of them as opposites, they actually share several similarities, with emotional needs at their core.

Codependents and narcissists both have trouble dealing with intimacy and boundaries, communicating openly, and handling criticism. They have poor self-esteem, a strong desire to feel special, seek external validation from others to maintain their sense of self-worth, and need control.

Differences Between Codependency and Narcissism

Both codependents and narcissists lack self-love and try to achieve it through their relationships. Their reasons and methods, however, can be quite different and are among the key differences between them.

Codependents want to feel indispensable. They prioritize other people’s needs at the expense of their own and will do everything possible to please others to feel valued and appreciated. Narcissists, on the other hand, prioritize their own needs, care nothing about anyone else’s well-being, and will take and take without giving anything in return.

Codependents are unable to set clear boundaries or say no, whereas narcissists are focused on pursuing their own desires and have no regard for other people’s boundaries.

Codependents and narcissists both need control, but the motivation behind the drive differs. Codependents rely on the input of others to measure reality and provide them with a sense of what is real or not. They try to manage the emotions of others by catering to their needs, so as to create a secure and stable environment.

Narcissists, on the other hand, seek input from others that helps them avoid reality and that supports their delusional view of themselves. They will use grandiosity, manipulation, and arrogance to compensate for underlying feelings of inadequacy, validate their ego, gain admiration, and enable them to maintain control of their relationships.

Unlike codependents, their drive for control is driven by a need to be in charge, have things their own way, and maintain power and dominance over their partners.

Dynamics of a Codependent-Narcissist Relationship

Codependent-narcissistic relationships tend to be cyclical and are often destructive in nature. A dance metaphor has sometimes been used to illustrate the dynamics of this repetitive, back-and-forth between idealization, devaluation, and reconciliation, in which each partner validates and enables the other’s dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors, intensifying them and turning them into a challenging pattern to break.

In the words of psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg: “As perfectly compatible dancing partners, the narcissist dancer is the “yin” to the codependent’s “yang.” The giving, sacrificial, and passive nature of the person who is codependent matches up perfectly with the entitled, demanding, and self-centered traits of the individual who is narcissistic.”

Evolution of a Codependent-Narcissistic Relationship

There is a natural attraction between codependents and narcissists due to the complementary nature of their wants and needs. A narcissist is drawn by a codependent’s constant admiration, desire to please, and willingness to put him or her first. The codependent finds in the narcissist someone he or she can pour himself or herself into and feel needed and valued. It seems like a perfect match.

The narcissist woos the codependent by love-bombing him or her, putting them on a pedestal, and showering them with affection and attention. The codependent is attracted to the narcissist’s self-confidence, charm, and charisma, feels cherished and special, and is convinced he or she has met the partner of their dreams.

Over time, however, as the relationship progresses, the narcissist’s true colors emerge. Bit by bit, he or she shifts from idealization to devaluation and starts to belittle, criticize, and manipulate his or her codependent partner, exploiting his or her fear of abandonment and desire for validation.

The codependent may feel hurt and confused, struggle to understand what they did wrong, try to find excuses to explain his or her narcissistic partner’s increasingly abusive behavior and try even harder to regain their approval.

They may double their efforts to support and love him or her, finding renewed purpose in trying to rescue or fix them. This, in turn, feeds the narcissist’s ego and sense of superiority and entitlement, causing them to become even more demanding and manipulative.

Why Codependents Stay in Codependent-Narcissistic Relationships

According to self-verification theory, people seek confirmation of their beliefs about themselves because it provides them with a sense of stability and predictability. Developed by William Swann in 1981, self-verification theory posits that people are motivated to confirm their positive or negative views about themselves by having others see them as they see themselves to create consistency, help stabilize their view of self, and make their world more predictable.

In the case of codependents, this is created when their narcissistic partner devalues them because it aligns with their existing internalized self-concept of being unworthy and inadequate. This reinforcement of their negative beliefs about themselves creates a vicious cycle of continued emotional abuse and dependency.

Codependents may also stay trapped in a codependent-narcissistic relationship due to trauma bonding. This is when cycles of abuse are followed by cycles of positive reinforcement in which the narcissist soothes the codependent person by professing his or her love and regret over their actions and promising to change.

These periods of kindness and reassurance cause the codependent to feel safe, needed, and indispensable to their partner’s well-being, and infuse them with hope that things will get better.

Challenges to the Effectiveness of Therapy

Therapy offers a safe, neutral, nonjudgmental space in which you can unpack and address underlying issues contributing to your dysfunctional patterns of behavior, build self-esteem, and learn how to set boundaries and relate to others in healthy ways. However, breaking the cycle of codependency and narcissism can be a significant challenge.

Codependents, for instance, have trouble functioning independently and have a deep need for the approval and validation of others. Though they may acknowledge their need for help, fear of change and potential abandonment, if they set boundaries or assert their needs, can make it difficult for them to seek it or to break free from the dysfunctional relationship they have become entangled in.

Narcissists do not see themselves as needing help, which may make it difficult for them to engage in or benefit from therapy. They lack empathy, refuse to believe there is anything wrong with their behavior, resist acknowledging their issues or engaging in self-reflection, and may become defensive or dismissive when confronted with negative feedback or criticism.

This makes it difficult for a therapist to guide them toward positive change. They may also try to manipulate or control the therapy process, undermining the therapeutic alliance and hindering progress.

If you have questions, need more help than what this article on codependency and narcissism could provide, or would like to set up a risk-free appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at our location, please don’t hesitate to give us a call.