What Your ADHD Friends Want You to Know

A surprising number of people of all ages are undiagnosed with ADHD. This means that, whether you know it or not, you probably have friends and family members who are neurodivergent. People with ADHD often struggle with time management, memory, prioritizing tasks, being impulsive, and being unfocused or easily distracted.

When you don’t understand why your friend is acting in these ways, it can cause a rift in the relationship. It takes time, patience, and education to learn how to cope with ADHD. People with the disorder need compassionate friends who will stand by them through the ups and downs of dealing with being neurodivergent. Here are some things that your friends with ADHD might want you to know.

They aren’t lazy

If you have ever wondered why your friend’s house is always a mess, or why their personal hygiene leaves a lot to be desired, it could be because ADHD makes everyday tasks feel overwhelming.

Your neurotypical brain can look around a messy room and conceptualize a series of tasks that can be done. You can easily say that first, the clutter needs to be cleared from the surfaces, and then, the floors need to be swept and mopped. However, the ADHD brain cannot process each of these steps in order. A simple set of tasks for you is an overwhelming obstacle for your neurodivergent friend.

What you might not know is that your ADHD friend is embarrassed or ashamed of the state of their house, car, or hygiene. They can’t help feeling overwhelmed by all of the tasks they have to do, easy or unintimidating tasks for neurotypical people.

They might appreciate a friend who comes alongside them and helps them develop a simple routine for housework or hygiene. Helping them in this way could be a fun and important way of spending time with your ADHD friend.

They aren’t ignoring you

When you get a text message or an email, you probably don’t think much of it except to formulate a proper response and send it. For you, it’s that easy. For a person with ADHD, who is probably already overwhelmed by all of the tasks and chores they need to do, written communication can be one more overwhelming thing.

Most of the time, this is what happens with your neurodivergent friend: They are trying their best to focus on several things when they receive your message. When they find time, they formulate a response (which probably takes a good amount of time), and then, before they send it, they are distracted by something else and never press send.

They are not intentionally ignoring you. Written communication is just more difficult for them than it is for the average person. If you need urgent information from them, you would be better off calling them, or else, simply be patient and prompt them for a response later.

They aren’t self-absorbed

It often seems with neurodivergent friends that they find a way to bring the conversation back to themselves and their struggles. This can make them seem self-absorbed in the sense that they are always talking about themselves. What is likely happening is that they are trying hard to connect with you by sharing their experience.

It takes a long time for the person with ADHD to learn about themselves. A lot of the time, it’s helpful for them to share what they have learned because repeating it to a friend reinforces the information in their brain. This may come across as them bringing every topic back to themselves, and you couldn’t be blamed for thinking they are selfish.

It’s simply not the case most of the time, though. Your friend is trying to reinforce something they have learned about themselves and trying to help you understand their perspective a little more.

What would be helpful in this situation is if you practiced active listening. Reflect the things they are saying about themselves and ask follow-up questions. This will help them not only feel understood and seen, but it could also help them retain knowledge about their condition.

Dealing with ADHD is lonely

Dealing with any type of neurodivergent disorder can be a lonely experience. There is always a thrill of finding someone with similar problems, but for the most part, ADHD causes isolation. Having a busy brain that is always going from one topic to the next is exhausting and often results in them feeling disconnected from their surroundings. They need you to make the effort to understand them and not judge them for being different.

Many people with ADHD would simply benefit from knowing that someone cared enough to try and understand them, in all of their complexities. It doesn’t take a huge amount of time or effort to practically show up for your loved ones. Being neurodivergent is that much less of a lonely experience simply knowing that someone is attempting to understand and connect with you.

The Mask Wearers

One thing that causes misunderstandings in friendships with neurodivergent people is that they work hard to appear “normal.” This is called “masking.” It’s something we all do to some degree from time to time. We all want to appear unflustered, in control, and unfazed, even when we feel the opposite of all these things.

On top of trying to cope with the symptoms of ADHD, many people will try to mimic the behavior of their neurotypical peers to blend in with the social environment. This is usually what leads to a delayed diagnosis of ADHD.

They have often been so successful in masking their symptoms that they appear to be “normal,” even though they are secretly trying hard to keep up. As their close friend, you might have been convinced by their masking abilities and shocked to find out that they are far from okay.

When neurodivergent people use masking behavior for a long time, it takes a toll on their emotional and physical state and has social repercussions. In a social setting, they might be trying so hard to suppress their symptoms of ADHD that they are not connecting with anyone, despite appearing as if they are.

What they need is a safe place with someone who understands and is patient and compassionate to them. You might need to pay close attention to them and suggest that you both leave the function if they look like they have reached their social limit. If you can assure friendship despite the differences between you, you will ensure a healthy and healing environment for your ADHD friend.

Most people with ADHD live in a state of near-constant shame, guilt, frustration, and fear of being judged by others. If you can practically show them that they are seen, heard, understood, and loved precisely because they are different, you will have contributed in a tangible way to their peace of mind and happiness.

Further Help

Having a friendship or a relationship with a neurodivergent person is not always easy. These types of connections are slightly higher maintenance than others, and sometimes we run out of patience and compassion. If we are romantically involved with an ADHD partner, things can get even more complicated.

There are support groups for neurodivergent people, and most are open to friends and family too. They provide safe places to talk honestly about ADHD, as well as provide resources to better understand ADHD.

Another option is individual or marital counseling. If you would like to pursue counseling as a way of learning to be compassionate to your ADHD friends, reach out to our offices. We will connect you with a counselor who can walk with you on the journey. At any point, you can change counselors if necessary or move to include your ADHD friend or partner in the sessions.