Understanding and Working Through a Sexless Marriage

A marriage is a little bit like a tree. A tree takes root in soil of varying quality, and it gets exposed to the elements like sun, wind, and rain. Sometimes the tree gets too much sun, or it gets battered by fierce winds, it gets too much water in a flash flood, or too little of it during a drought. In the same way, the tree can get just the right amount of what it needs so that it flourishes. The story of a tree can be seen when you check the rings in its trunk.

A marriage brings two people together, typically in happy circumstances, and the two want to spend their lives together making each other happy. The couple goes through any number of circumstances, like grief and loss of loved ones or cherished dreams, financial woes, health issues, disagreements, joyous celebrations, new beginnings, accomplishing goals like paying off the mortgage or traveling, etc.

Some marriages come to the point where sexual intimacy has all but evaporated, and that in itself poses several challenges for the couple. How does a marriage become sexless, and is there a way to turn things around? The good news is that there are ways for a couple to flourish and strengthen their relationship, deepening their intimacy and sense of connection.

What is a sexless marriage?

It’s more than likely that when two people meet and decide to get married, they feel passion for each other. Often, the couple can’t keep their hands off each other, which can be problematic since they need to wait until after their nuptials to consummate the relationship. In ways that will be described shortly, a relationship can remain intact but with the sense of intimacy and connection lost.

There are different ways to understand what a sexless marriage is. A marriage will have rhythms in which the couple will have more sex, and they will have some periods when they have less sex. A sexless marriage, however, is one where sexual intimacy is absent for a year or more, although some would define a sexless marriage as when sexual intimacy occurs ten times or less within a year.

Part of why it’s hard to define a sexless marriage is that what counts as sexual intimacy can be quite subjective. The key thing is whether you and your spouse are unconsciously or consciously avoiding pleasurable physical contact with each other. A sexless marriage is when there is this lack of intimacy and avoidance of it, coupled with a concern about the state of intimacy in the relationship.

It’s important to note that the people in the relationship should be the ones to decide whether their marriage is sexless and whether that concerns them. In some marriages, there is little to no sex from the beginning of the relationship, so the lack of physical and sexual contact isn’t distressing or concerning to the couple. However, the loss of physical and sexual intimacy does often affect one or both spouses, leading to deep hurt or frustration.

Are you in a sexless marriage?

If you’re wondering if you are in a sexless marriage, some things to consider include whether you feel a sense of disconnection from your spouse, or if you can’t remember the last time you and your spouse enjoyed sexual intimacy. Also, if sexual intimacy is the last thing you want to think about, or your heart aches when you think about the state of sexual intimacy with your spouse, you are likely in a sexless marriage.

You may also be in a sexless marriage if you have a limited understanding of what sex is, such as feeling that sex is only when one’s genitals are involved. If other forms of intimacy such as holding hands, giving each other massages, giving and receiving hugs, offering words of appreciation or gifts, or acts of service are also absent from your relationship, it could also signal a sexless marriage.

Lastly, if either or both of you avoid or tend to hesitate to initiate physical contact, perhaps because of the potential for rejection or because of the possibility that it will lead to unwanted sex, that also could point to the possibility that you’re in a sexless marriage.

How a Marriage Loses Sexual Intimacy

A couple’s sex life will have its seasons of plenty, and seasons when there isn’t enough sex. These ebbs and flows happen and are natural in any marriage. Most couples, however, don’t consciously choose to be in a sexless relationship. A marriage may become sexless over time as the couple goes through different experiences that disrupt intimacy.

As a marriage progresses, the newness of it can begin to wear off, and the passion that once burned bright begins to dim a little. After the honeymoon, life gets back to normal, meaning that stressors such as finances, work pressures, and commitments that eat into your time rear their heads. Also, physical health issues such as depression or stress, or medications that have decreased libido as a side effect, can impact one’s sex life.

In addition, significant body changes such as because of pregnancy or injury can also decrease the willingness to be naked and vulnerable. Constant conflict or a serious unresolved conflict can also get in the way of intimacy. It’s also possible that your libidos may be mismatched, or you find that you’re never in the mood for sexual intimacy at the same time.

Constant feelings of worry affect your body’s physiological responses, affecting your sex life. Experiencing grief, infidelity in the marriage, struggles with communication, getting older, internalized sexual stigma that makes sex unappealing, or chronic fatigue are all possible factors that could lead to a sexless marriage.

These and other issues aren’t insurmountable. However, if they aren’t addressed effectively, as the days and weeks turn into months with no intimacy, you and your spouse may find yourselves in a sexless marriage. This may result in resentment, and possibly infidelity, which will cause even more damage to the relationship.

Overcoming a Sexless Marriage

If both spouses are okay with a relationship with little to no sexual intimacy, it may not be a cause for concern. Sexual intimacy is part of the design for marriage, and it’s wise for a couple not to deprive each other of sex, “except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:5, NIV).

Often, one or both spouses yearn for more sexual intimacy, and the lack of it is frustrating and painful. This is a problem that needs to be addressed. For this reason, it is important to check in with each other to make sure that both spouses’ sexual needs are being met and not just assume that if you’re okay then your spouse must be okay too.

To overcome a sexless marriage, there are a few things that you can do:

Communicate It’s important to communicate where you stand with your spouse. Couples can make massive assumptions about their counterpart’s needs, or they can mask their resentment and simply come to accept the lack of passion and intimacy as normal. Talk to your spouse (without blame or accusation) about your needs and expectations so that you can establish that there is an issue that requires resolution.

Communication is quite vulnerable, and you need to be honest with each other at this critical juncture in your marriage. It will take courage to approach your spouse and have the necessary conversations about what is happening in your marriage, how you got there, and the way back for you both.

Rebuild intimacy If you’ve determined that there is an issue, the next step is to reignite passion and rebuild intimacy in the relationship. This might include being intentional about spending time together, dating each other again, and putting in effort to connect meaningfully. Sex and intimacy aren’t identical, though they are closely tied together. You’ll need to rebuild connection to fix a sexless marriage.

You can engage in activities that build intimacy like trying something new together, going on a vacation or a getaway weekend, having a scheduled date night, having a staycation right at home, or just carving time to curl up together on the couch.

Find help There are many possible reasons why sexual intimacy in a relationship falls away, and finding help is a good call. That help might be in the form of a marriage seminar or retreat that addresses these issues, or it could be seeking assistance for underlying health issues that are affecting your sex life. You could also get help from a mental health professional at Texas Christian Counseling.

A Christian couples counselor in Texas with training and a focus on sexual issues can help you develop your communication skills, and address the specific issues that are impeding sexual intimacy, helping you to build a deeper, more connected, and stronger marriage. Contact us today at Texas Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment with me or one of the other couples therapists in Texas.