Complicated Grief: Coping With Grief When It Just Won’t Go Away

The bonds and connections we form with others are precious, helping to make our lives more fulfilling. You might have success, for example, but without others to celebrate it with, it can ring hollow. The depth, richness, and sheer joy that comes from our relationships with others is part of why losing loved ones is so hard. Losing them leaves a hole in our lives, forever altering whatever follows.

When you encounter loss, the natural and healthy response to that loss is grief. Grieving is that process that allows us to make sense of what has happened, and to adjust our lives so that we can cope with the new reality. Grief, however, isn’t always straightforward for a variety of reasons. It’s possible to grieve in such a way that you severely disrupt your life through dysfunctional behaviors.

What is complicated grief?

Loss comes uniquely to us all. Loss will often come through bereavement, whether the death of that loved one was sudden and shocking, or after a prolonged illness. There are other forms of loss, like when a divorce happens, if you’re forced to move from your home, if a beloved family pet dies, or if a cherished dream falls apart. These and other forms of loss can all trigger the grief process.

To understand complicated grief, it’s important to firstly get a grip on the fact that there is a sense in which all grief never quite goes away. You never quite ‘get over’ your loss, but you do find ways to cope with it and continue to live on beyond the loss. You experience feelings of loss, hurt, and sadness, and you may also experience anger, too. Grief is a process that will take you through a swathe of unpredictable emotions.

Over time, the intensity of these feelings will lessen, and they may not be so overwhelming anymore. The five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – may take time to work through, and they don’t map out a linear process. Some feelings may later resurface with the same or greater intensity as at the first, while others dissipate and become memories.

When it comes to complicated grief, however, the intensity of these feelings doesn’t change with time, and they can be so intense that they become disruptive to a person’s daily functioning. The intense emotions and all-consuming thoughts that accompany complicated grief don’t fade with time, and they do not go away on their own. They can become so overwhelming that they wear you down emotionally and physically.

The difference between complicated grief and typical grief is that complicated grief will persist for at least six months and last a year or longer. Around 7-10% of all adults who experience bereavement could experience complicated grief.

The Causes of Complicated Grief

There are many different factors that influence how a person grieves. Grief will vary depending on the relationship one has with the person they’ve lost. A warm and deeply cherished relationship, on one hand, and a fractious relationship fraught with hurt will affect a person differently. Additionally, how a person grieves will also be affected by their beliefs, cultural and social background, as well as their personality.

At the root, complicated grief is caused by loss. Loss affects people in different ways, and it’s not always certain whether you will experience complicated grief or not. However, there are certain factors that can put a person at greater risk of developing complicated grief. These factors include if you have an underlying mental health condition such as anxiety or depression, or if you have a history of substance abuse.

Other factors that could increase the risk of complicated grief are:

• If the loss is unexpected or shocking, such as through suicide or an accident.
• Certain types of loss, such as losing a child, sibling, parent, or spouse could also increase the risk of complicated grief.
• If you experience more than one death in a short period .
• If you’re not present when the loss occurred or witness the loss in real-time.
• If you had a close personal relationship with the person you lost.
• You experienced trauma yourself, during the loss.

Are you experiencing complicated grief?

We all experience loss of some kind in this life. If you or your loved one has gone through loss, remember what Scripture says: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15, NIV). When grieving, we are meant to do it with support and compassionate sympathy. The signs and symptoms of grief and complicated grief are similar, but complicated grief is more persistent and intense.

If you or your loved one has experienced loss, some signs and indicators of complicated grief to look for may include:

• Feeling intense pain, sorrow, and longing for the person who died.
• Having overwhelming, intrusive, or preoccupying thoughts about the loss.
• Feeling bitterness about the loss.
• Denying, avoiding, or ignoring any reminders of the loss.
• Being excessively surrounded with reminders of the loss.
• Displaying dysfunctional behaviors and experiencing irrational thoughts such as thinking that the person who has died might come back to life.
• Feeling as though life has no purpose or meaning due to the loss.
• Feeling numb or detached.
• Having difficulty accepting that the loss occurred.
• Inability to think back on positive experiences with your loved one, or inability to enjoy life.
• Suicidal thoughts, and wishing you’d died with your loved one.
• Insomnia and sleep disturbances.
• Experiencing depression, guilt, or self-blame.
• Difficulty socializing.
• Withdrawing and isolating yourself from others.
• Declining physical health and a weakened immune system.
• Having difficulty fulfilling personal or work responsibilities.

If you or a loved one has gone through loss and are experiencing suicidal thoughts, get help immediately. You can contact the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 or call 911 if there is immediate danger.

Finding Treatment and Healing for Complicated Grief

Psalm 147:3 (NIV) says that the Lord “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” There is so much heartache, confusion, and pain that accompanies loss. We are not alone in our grief because the Lord walks with us in the darkness, and He will never leave or forsake us (Psalm 23; Deuteronomy 31:6). The Lord will comfort us in our grief, directly through His Spirit, but also through others (2 Corinthians 1:3-11).

When you’re going through complicated grief, there are many treatments available. These are aimed at helping you to find healing, and so that you can cope day-to-day with the implications of your loss. One available therapy is cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), which helps you to accept and adapt to the loss. It can also identify unhelpful thoughts and behavioral patterns that worsen your grief.

Through CBT, you can begin to nurture hopeful and more realistic ways of processing your emotions and thoughts about the loss. When you adopt these different ways of thinking and being, you’ll be better positioned to find healing and learn how to cope better with the loss.

Other therapies to address complicated grief are grief counseling which encourages you to talk about your experience of loss and the emotions that have resulted from it. Grief counseling helps you become more attuned to where you are emotionally, and how your loss is affecting you. Psychodynamic therapy helps you to identify your past losses and how they relate to your current experience of loss.

You can also join a grief or bereavement support group. Being with others that are working through the same things can alleviate the sense of isolation that grief sometimes brings with it. Others are going through it, and they understand your experiences. In some instances, you may need a combination of therapy and medication to address complicated grief, particularly if your grief is accompanied by a condition like clinical depression.

Help Available

Losing a loved one is a difficult experience to go through. But you aren’t alone, and there is help available for you to process the flood of thoughts and emotions that come with loss. Reaching out to loved ones and trusted friends for support is important.

Likewise, you may also need to meet with a grief counselor who can support you on your journey toward healing. With help, it’s possible for you to grieve with hope, and to be able to continue living after loss. Call our offices today to begin with a therapist who is skillful in dealing with complicated grief.