7 Examples of Gaslighting

Over the last few years, the term gaslighting has become a part of the common vernacular, with most people vaguely aware that it refers to abusive behavior of some kind. The fact is that it is a specific type of emotional manipulation done by someone wanting to avoid being held accountable for their actions. When you understand how people use it, the effectiveness of gaslighting behavior lessens, and you can confront the real issues in the relationship.

What is Gaslighting?

The term first appeared in a stage play called “Gas Light,” in which a wife notices minute details around her house that point to her husband having an affair. Specifically, she notices that each morning the gas lights, which she turned off before bed each night, are often on in the morning before her husband wakes up.

She confronts him with this and accuses him of sneaking out each night while she sleeps, but he repeatedly turns the accusations back on her, questioning her sanity and perception. She begins thinking that she imagined seeing things and feels cruel for having accused her husband of infidelity. Meanwhile, he successfully evades accountability and continues his unfaithfulness, with the only consequence being his wife’s declining mental and emotional health.

At its core, gaslighting is a combination of emotional manipulation and psychological control that erodes a person’s self-esteem and destabilizes their mental health. It is almost exclusively spoken about in the context of romantic relationships, but it is a tactic used by people in any relationship that has a power dynamic.

Parents, bosses, co-workers, politicians, and leaders in various fields might gaslight those in their sphere of influence to get their way. The person doing the gaslighting wants to retain their power in the relationship so that they can avoid accountability for toxic behavior.

Examples of gaslighting

Once you have understood the idea of what gaslighting is, you can begin to notice the subtle tactics that abusers use to gaslight you. People who use gaslighting tactics are often intelligent and well-spoken. They know how to twist words, lie without being caught, and use their charms to disarm your suspicion and manipulate your emotions.

Once a manipulator has been exposed, they will likely shift to another tactic, making it exceedingly difficult to pin them down and hold them accountable. These are some of the most common gaslighting tactics.

Blame shifting

This is a manipulative defense mechanism used by some when they are caught in illicit behavior. Instead of owning up to whatever they are accused of, they will turn it back on you, making you feel like the one in the wrong. As in the example in the stage play, when the wife confronted her husband about sneaking out at night to see his mistress, he in turn accused her of harboring resentment against him and said she was cruel for suggesting he was unfaithful.

This tactic is most effective for people who tend to avoid conflict. It can take a lot for someone to work up the courage to bring up an issue. The manipulative person is usually aware of this. By twisting the pressure away from themselves and placing it on their accuser, they have effectively created a new problem they don’t have to deal with. They have placed the figurative ball back in the court of their accuser.

Trivializing feelings

Abusers will frequently say things like, “You’re way too sensitive,” or, “You’re blowing this way out of proportion,” when they have been called out. This makes you feel like you are in the wrong. You might feel foolish for having felt a certain way about something.

When a manipulator trivializes feelings in a relationship, they leave the other person feeling like they have no support, not even their own moral compass or emotional grounding. This could cause them to spiral in their mental health as they begin to wonder what kinds of emotions are acceptable.

Questioning perception or memory

Besides manipulating emotions, a gaslighting abuser will twist things so that you begin to doubt your sanity and mental state. When you present details of how their actions affected you, they might tell you how you had it wrong; you missed a detail or forgot something.

The partner who you noticed flirting with someone at the work function might tell you that he was merely having a conversation with his coworker and that you saw something between them that wasn’t there. When you are convinced that you are overreacting or mistaken, he might console you in your confusion to drive his tactic home.

Going on the offensive

A less refined, but just as effective tool that some people use when gaslighting is to throw anger and emotion back at you or accuse you of something in turn. This tactic is all about gaining the element of surprise and getting the spotlight off of them and onto you.

The partner accused of flirting with his coworker might point out that you also have an attractive co-worker that you seem suspiciously close to. This takes the wind out of your sails, and the manipulator casts themselves as the victim. You end up having to defend yourself, which makes you look and feel guilty, even when you were not in the wrong.

Diversion

This tactic is all about throwing you off the trail. The person gaslights you by brushing off your concerns and changing the subject. This is often disconcerting because the casualness that they have affected is often quite convincing. “That wasn’t flirting,” he might say while laughing, before asking you how you enjoyed your evening. You lose the thread of the conversation and perhaps your emotions are quelled by their charm and convincing performance of nonchalance.

Sweet talking

Charm is a weapon in the arsenal of the manipulator, and they use it frequently to de-escalate situations and reinforce their position in your life. “She’s not even my type and besides, she’s nowhere near as attractive as you,” says the partner who wants to gaslight his way out of being caught red-handed. Charm is a type of fake affirmation that targets your insecurity and disarms you, covering up your concerns with platitudes and carefully crafted compliments.

Blatant lies

The essence of gaslighting is deception. Often the abuser will tell outright lies to avoid being caught. They create their version of events, which can’t easily be verified, but which sound convincing. They might tell you the details of their conversation with their co-worker when it looked as if they were flirting.

This reinforces the professional nature of their relationship, and there is no easy way for you to verify his account of the interaction. A practiced deceiver knows how to lie well and tell half-truths so convincingly that you believe them despite yourself.

Getting help

People who have been subject to gaslighting behavior often leave the relationship feeling uncertain of themselves, afraid to trust again, and full of anger and resentment. All of this is understandable, but it is also unhealthy.

Breaking away from the influence of a manipulator can be emotionally exhausting. The evasiveness of gaslighting tactics makes it especially hard to get much-needed closure. It takes courage to stand up to an abuser. The truth will always set you free, even when it is hard to uncover.

If you have experienced gaslighting in a relationship, you may feel like you need support from someone who cares about your mental health. A counselor is a safe person to confide in since they are invested in your improvement and have qualified insight from outside the relationship. Reach out to us when you are ready to begin the process of unpacking your experience. We will connect you with a counselor to journey with you to a healthier future.