Walking With a Loved One Through Delayed Grief

Grief is a strange and often unpredictable thing. Grief may set in soon after you experience the loss of a loved one, leading you into a maze of emotions and thoughts about your loved one and what the loss means.

In some instances, grief sets in before the loss takes place, and that’s called anticipatory grief. For various reasons, grief may also get delayed, only setting in weeks, months, or perhaps even years after the loss occurs.

Grappling with Delayed Grief

Delayed grief, which is also sometimes referred to as delayed bereavement or as postponed grief, is when the onset of the process of grief happens later and doesn’t take place or coincide with the loss itself. Delayed grief, when it eventually surfaces, is often overwhelming and intense. The flood of thoughts, emotions, and memories that had been held back burst the dam and come flooding in, making it an intense experience.

Often, because of the myriad thoughts, emotions, and experiences that haven’t been processed, when delayed grief sets in, those unprocessed emotions that have accumulated over time may produce a disproportionate reaction. One’s reaction to the loss may seem disproportionate, and this can lead to distress and a sense of confusion for the bereaved and the people around them.

Delayed grief has much the same symptoms as other forms of grief, and these include physical manifestations like disrupted sleep patterns, headaches, and physical pain, and changes in appetite. What could serve as a trigger for delayed grief surfacing are things such as anniversaries, milestones, and other significant dates that could serve as reminders of a loved one and of the loss.

If a person experiences similar life events that mirror the circumstances in which the loss occurred, that can also trigger the delayed grief to manifest. Going through significant changes in relationships, like divorce or a new relationship, can bring grief to the surface. Lastly, health concerns like declining well-being or receiving a serious diagnosis can also become a trigger for delayed grief.

Some Causes of Delayed Grief

In the typical course of events, when loss occurs, the process of grief begins, as one works through that loss and the different ways it impacts their life. Delayed grief is a disruption in this pattern, and there are reasons why it happens. One reason is that the shock and denial that one experiences when one encounters the loss can delay the grieving process. In cases where the loss is connected to trauma, the loss can be emotionally numbing, delaying grief.

Delayed grief can be the result of avoiding the thoughts, emotions, or memories connected to the loss. Loss is not a pleasant experience, and, understandably, a person could employ avoiding, denial, or even suppressing their emotions as a way to cope with the loss. Others may distract themselves with work and other responsibilities, and this can also delay the grieving process.

Grief might also be delayed when a person doesn’t have a substantial support system. If you don’t have support to allow you to process your loss, circumstances may compel you to just forge ahead and make the best of things. If loss thrusts a person into the role of the breadwinner, or they are responsible for taking care of others, there may be a delay in working through their own feelings because they don’t have the capacity to do so.

For some, grief may be delayed because their personality leans toward traits like perfectionism or stoicism. Certain individual traits influence how a person responds to grief, including when and whether they allow themselves to grieve and experience the messy feelings and thoughts that often come with grief. If a person always desires control, grief can be an uncomfortable experience that they may try to avoid.

If there are cultural or societal expectations about how and when one should grieve, that too can have an impact on grief, potentially delaying it. In some communities, there’s a stigma about weeping openly and being visibly shaken by loss. Whether it’s rooted in family dynamics, beliefs about masculinity, or beliefs regarding how Christians should respond to loss and pain, grief can wind up being delayed.

Other reasons grief might be delayed include experiencing cumulative trauma or having adverse childhood experiences like neglect or abuse, which can all affect how one responds to loss. If the loss occurs under traumatic circumstances, the stress of the event can also contribute to a delay in the onset of grief. Grief can thus be a challenging experience, for many reasons, and its onset can be delayed.

Helping a Loved One Through Delayed Grief

It’s not easy to walk with someone who is grieving. You might be grieving too and trying to make sense of your loss. When your loved one is grieving a loss, there’s no doubt it will affect you, because what makes a loved one hurt also hurts you in its own way. If they are losing sleep or wrestling with sadness and anger, it will spill over and affect your relationship with them.

In Romans, the apostle Paul writes, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15, NIV). We can find ways to stand in the gap for others when they are going through it, and we can and should celebrate with them when all is well. If a loved one is mourning – even when that mourning is delayed – you can walk with them through that and find meaningful ways to support them through it.

Some ways for you to stand with your loved one through delayed grief include the following:

Recognize and acknowledge their pain With delayed grief, because it comes later than expected, and is often quite intense and disproportionate, it may be easy to dismiss your loved one’s pain. Instead, take the time to validate what they are feeling, and show them that their pain is real, and you see it. Don’t minimize their loss or act in ways that imply that they should be “over it” at this point.

Be a present listener As with other forms of grief, sometimes people want others around them who can provide them with space to feel their feelings, share memories of their loved one, and tell stories that help them remember what they’ve lost. You can be a good listener who is present and doesn’t judge others or rush to give advice. Encourage them to share these things and more.

Support creative expression One healthy way to deal with grief is to find creative ways to express it. That could include writing, making art, creating music, going on a hike that follows their loved one’s favorite trail, going on a hunting trip, running a marathon, or planting a garden in their loved one’s honor.

Offer and give practical support Grief can throw a person out of their routines, and with fatigue and other effects of grief, it can be hard to do simple day-to-day tasks like cooking, cleaning the gutters, or cleaning the house. You can offer to help them with cleaning, grocery shopping, or general household maintenance.

Respect their boundaries Each person has their limits and things they’re comfortable with saying and doing. It’s important to be patient with their progress and to respect their boundaries so that you don’t push them to share or do more than they feel comfortable with. Grief is a unique experience, and you shouldn’t pressure them to move on or get over their grief.

Take care of yourself Grieving can be hard on a person, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Supporting a loved one through it can be taxing in its own way. Prioritize your well-being by taking breaks and setting necessary boundaries so that you can be meaningfully present for your loved one. You can seek professional help and support to ensure you’re also taking care of yourself.

Encourage them to seek help Just as you could benefit from having support from loved ones as well as a mental health professional, your loved one who is grieving could also use that support. While you’re helpful, you have your limitations, not least in your expertise and ability to cope with the manifold complexities of grief. Your loved one could benefit from talking with a grief counselor or therapist.

Talk with your loved one and encourage them to find support from a group or online community, and from a professional. They can provide the space your loved one needs to navigate their grief well. To learn more or to schedule an appointment with one of the therapists or counselors at our location, contact us today.