Why Do Codependent Relationships Happen? Signs of Codependency

Codependent relationships are when two people are excessively reliant on one other for a combination of emotional, mental, practical, and spiritual support. Together they develop a sort of imbalanced rhythm of give and take, with one person caring, giving, and nurturing while the other receives, controls, and directs.

On the surface, these kinds of agreements might look copasetic, and it can be difficult to even detect the signs of codependency. Eventually, though, codependent partnerships are damaging and draining for those involved.

Why do codependent relationships happen?

People are complex and everyone is carrying around varying degrees of trauma. There could be events and experiences from as far back as childhood that have affected us and shaped the way we connect with others.

For example, if our parents were neglectful of us as children, we might grow up with an anxious attachment style, meaning that we fear being alone or abandoned. We learned at an early age that it is possible to be forgotten about, and we developed ways of manipulating people’s attention and affection to avoid being left alone again.

Sometimes it happens that we meet someone who has trauma or experiences similar to our own. Behind most codependent relationships is a fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, an inability to express emotions and needs, and an unwillingness to face problems.

Some people are naturally empathetic and find genuine meaning in giving and serving others. When this instinct is combined with a fear of abandonment or emotional insecurity, however, those empathetic motivations become selfish. That person might be showing kindness simply to manipulate people into liking them.

On the other hand, some people are narcissistic and have an elevated opinion of themselves. To others, they might appear confident and self-assured, but they, too, often have a fear of neglect or abandonment.

Their method of obtaining care and affection is more straightforward. Narcissism can be grandiose or vulnerable, meaning narcissists are either powerfully egocentric and demanding, or subtly manipulative, appealing to people’s empathy and goodwill.

When a people-pleaser meets a vulnerable narcissist, it can make for a toxic codependent connection. Both people have the same goal in mind: to obtain devotion and avoid abandonment.

The people pleaser goes about winning affection by going to any length to support the narcissist and relishes the opportunity to impact someone else’s life so effectively. The narcissist, meanwhile, has found someone who can be directed and used to meet their deep need for affection or attention.

Signs of codependent relationships

Just as every person differs, so do codependent connections. However, it is possible to note certain signs and signals that point to people being either narcissistic or people-pleasing. There is no shame or judgment in these traits, and observing and acknowledging them is the start of recovery.

You might be a people-pleaser if:

• You feel the need to rescue or save people from their problems.
• You take on other people’s emotions to the point that you become dysregulated.
• You desperately need to find validation from others.

You might be a narcissist if:

• You expect others to meet your needs, even when you don’t communicate with them.
• You become upset every time things don’t go your way.
• You feel like others owe you certain things, like time and attention.

Getting help

Counseling and therapy are effective tools for recovering from codependency. It might take some time and a lot of self-reflection, but it is a journey worth making. Take your first step by contacting us today at Rockwall Christian Counseling in Texas. We can connect you with a counselor in Rockwall, Texas who will work with you toward a future filled with healthier connections.