Breaking the Generational Cycle of Emotional Wounds in Families

Emotional wounds are caused by the deep psychological pain of being hurt by someone you love. Your mind does not differentiate between physical and emotional pain. Both register in the same part of your brain. However, unlike physical wounds such as a broken leg that others can see and empathize with, emotional wounds are often kept hidden or minimized. We try to cope by creating defense mechanisms that, instead of healing the wound, subconsciously create situations that cause us to feel wounded repeatedly.

Left unaddressed, emotional wounds tend to grow deeper and fester, causing trust issues, damaging your feelings of self-worth, and negatively impacting your thoughts, beliefs, actions, and the way you interact with others. They can also get passed down from one generation to another, causing a cycle of pain that perpetuates itself and continues to affect the family’s dynamics and emotional health.

Inter-generationality.

Children unwittingly pick up on and internalize their parents’ sense of self-worth.

No matter how much you may love your child(ren), or how good the guidance and advice you give them is as you try to teach them the important lessons of life, it is not enough to break the cycle. If you are still carrying around unhealed emotional wounds from your childhood that have not been addressed and dealt with, you will inadvertently model and pass them on to your children as well.

Examples of things that can cause emotional wounds.

• Being lied to or betrayed.
• Injustice.
• Humiliation or shame.
• Abandonment.
• Physical or emotional neglect.
• Lack of emotional connection.
• Real or perceived rejection.
• Verbal or physical abuse.
• Invasion of privacy.
• Having one’s possessions stolen or destroyed.

Breaking the cycle of emotional wounds in families.

Acknowledge the pain.

The first step to breaking the cycle is to recognize and acknowledge the emotional wound.

Talk it out.

If possible, meet face-to-face to discuss your pain with other family members. Give them all an opportunity to express themselves, as each family member involved may have a different take on the situation and see it in a different light.

Set ground rules.

Establish ground rules such as no interrupting, bringing up unrelated issues, or name-calling, to prevent excessive emotion from derailing the conversation. Take a break if things start heating up.

Be kind and respectful.

Use “I” statements and avoid pointing fingers, blaming, shaming, or making accusations. Even if you don’t agree with them, be willing to listen intently to each other’s perspective(s). Try putting yourself in their shoes and understanding where they come from and why they did what they did or felt the way they felt.

Apologize if an apology is due.

Don’t assume everything is the other person’s fault. Be willing to take responsibility for any part you may have played, without trying to rationalize your actions, and extend a sincere apology if one is due.

Make amends.

If you are the one who has done something hurtful, demonstrate that your apology is sincere by offering to do something to make it right.

Be willing to forgive.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning harmful actions, but rather, letting go of any anger and/or resentment that could keep the cycle alive.

Create healthy boundaries.

Establishing healthy boundaries with family members can help prevent the perpetuation of trauma. Be clear about your needs and explicit about what is okay and what is not.

Journal.

Journaling can help you process your feelings and experiences, as well as identify patterns and triggers. Reflecting on your emotional wounds and writing about them can also help give you insight into how they are impacting you.

Seek professional help.

Counseling provides a safe space where you can explore your feelings and learn how to identify and heal the emotional wounds in your family so the cycle can be broken.

A trained mental health professional can help you address and identify your emotional wounds, identify patterns and triggers, help you heal from the past by recognizing and changing dysfunctional behaviors and thought patterns that were learned from emotionally wounded parents, and learn healthy coping skills.

If you have questions about this article on generational emotional wounds in families or would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at in Rockwall, Texas, please give us a call at Rockwall Christian Counseling.